A post from: funny quotes and sayings

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” – Confucius

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” – Maya Angelou

“Man should forget his anger before he lies down to sleep.” – Mohandas Gandhi

“I’m tired of all the nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?” – Jean Kerr

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” –  Denis Waitley

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” – James Baldwin

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.” – Mark Twain

“Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.” – Albert Einstein

“It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.” – Alec Bourne

Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.

“The sole equality on earth is death.” - Philip James Bailey

Always forgive your enemies;nothing annoys them so much.

Great dreams of great dreamers are always transcended.

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without
accepting it.” - Aristotle

The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams. – Oprah Winfrey

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

* Rule number one of investing is never lose money. Rule number two is never forget rule number 1 – Warren Buffet.

* “Don’t let the past steal your present” – Cherralea Morgan

* “A woman must not depend upon the protection of man, but must be taught to protect herself. ” – Susan B. Anthony

* “…for he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.” – William Shakespeare

* “No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.” – Sigmund Freud

* “For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don’t believe, no proof is possible.” – Stuart Chase

* “He who does not punish evil, commands it to be done.” – Leonardo Da Vinci

* “Without a family, man, alone in the world, trembles with the cold.” – Andre Maurois

* “Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.” – C.S. Lewis

* “A sincere artist tries to create something which is, in itself, a living thing.” – Painter William Dobell

* “Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength.” – Ralph W. Sockman

* “The Internet is the first thing that humanity has built that humanity doesn’t understand, the largest experiment in anarchy that we have ever had.” – Eric Schmidt

* To be successful the first thing to do is fall in love with your work.

* If you cant fly then run, if you cant run then walk, if you cant walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep MOVING FORWARD.

* “Courage is not about the strength to go on; it’s going on when you don’t have the strength.”

* What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us..

* Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinion drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs

* It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

* I don’t believe anything, but I have many suspicions.

* Beyond a certain point, the whole universe becomes a continuous process of initiation.

* I am good at nothing but whatever I do I make sure that it reaches the perfection !!!!

Meanwhile please enjoy funny life quotes …. We look forward for your comments and suggestions for funny quotes and sayings….

A post from: funny quotes and sayings