A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Mark Twain
New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

Brooks Atkinson
Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.

Bill Vaughan
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.

P. J. O’Rourke
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.

Jay Leno
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.

James Agate
New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.

Eric Zorn
Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.

Bill Vaughan
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Charles Lamb
New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.

Oprah Winfrey
Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.

Mark Twain
New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Judith Crist
Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.

Anonymous
Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

Joey Adams
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!

Anais Nin
I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.

Oscar Wilde
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.

Robert Paul
I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.

Anonymous
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

Leonard Bernstein
From New Year’s on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.

G. K. Chesterton
The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective. Unless a man starts on the strange assumption that he has never existed before, it is quite certain that he will never exist afterwards. Unless a man be born again, he shall by no means enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

• If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman ….
• If you don’t, you are not a man ….
• If you praise her, she thinks you are lying ….
• If you don’t, you are good for nothing ….
• If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing ….
• If you don’t, you are not understanding ….
• If you make romance, you are an ‘experienced man’ ….
• If you don’t you are half a man ….
• If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring ….
• If you don’t, she accuses you of double crossing ….
• If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy ….
• If you don’t, you are a dull boy ….
• If you are jealous, she says it’s bad ….
• If you don’t , she thinks you do not love her ….
• If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her ….
• If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her ….
• If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait ….
• If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way ….
• If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel ….
• If she is visited by another, ‘oh it’s natural, we are girls’ ….
• If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold ….
• If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage ….
• If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics ….
• If you do, she thinks it’s just one of the man’s tactics ….
• If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting ….
• If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring …..
• If you talk, she wants you to listen ….
• If you listen, she wants you to talk ……
• Oh God! you created those creature called “WOMAN’ ………..
• So simple, yet so complex ….
• So weak, yet so powerful ….
• So confusing, yet so desirable …….
• “O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN” ……..

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

This Season starter best quotes is Now I know how you felt being mauled by  that sex crazed gorilla – Sheldon Cooper

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.”
Elbert Hubard

“True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.”
Charles Caleb Colton

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
Anais Nin

“My friends are my estate.”
Emily Dickinson

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”
Walter Winchell

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
Unknown

“A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.”
Unknown

“Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.”
Albert Camus

“A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more.”
Unknown

“Everyone is a friend, until they prove otherwise.”
Unknown

“Every person is a new door to a different world.” from movie “Six Degrees of Seperation” “It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”
John Leonard

“I get by with a little help from my friends.”
John Lennon

“Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success.”
Oscar Wilde

The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.– Abraham Lincoln

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
Aristotle

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival.”
C. S. Lewis

“Friends are the most important ingredient in this recipe of life.”
Unknown

“The better part of one’s life consists of his friendships.”
Abraham Lincoln

Friendship is like a perennial river which flows forever. It may change it’s path but will never ever dry up.
Pinaki Prasad Mohanty

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
Bernard Meltzer.

Remember, the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree, but in the hearts of true friends.
Cindy Lew

Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure.
Jewish Saying

“A faithful friend is the medicine of life.”
Apocrypha

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.
Anonymous

“Friendship needs no words…”
Dag Hammarskjold.

“Friends are the sunshine of life.”
John Hay (1871)

“The best mirror is an old friend.”
George Herbert

Friends are needed both for joy and for sorrow.
Samuel Paterson

Friendship is the golden thread that ties the heart of all the world.
John Evelyn

Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief.
Swedish proverb

A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.
Anonymous

Count your age with friends but not with years
Anonymous

Plant a seed of friendship; reap a bouquet of happiness.
Lois L. Kaufman

“I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship.”
Pietro Aretino (1537)

“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.”
Aristotle (4th century B.C.)

“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.”
The Bible: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.

“A companion loves some agreeable qualities which a man may possess, but a friend loves the man himself.”
James Boswell (1763)

“Friendship is Love without his wings!”
Lord Byron (1806)

“Friendship makes prosperity more brilliant, and lightens adversity by dividing and sharing it.”
Cicero (44 B.C.)

“True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost”
Charles Caleb Colton (1825)

“Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another.”
Eustace Budgell (1711)

“Every man passes his life in the search after friendship.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“We do not so much need the help of our friends as the confidence of their help in need.”
Epicurus (3rd century B.C.)

“One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.”
Euripides (408 B.C.)

“A good friend is my nearest relation.”
Thomas Fuller (1732)

“My friend is he who will tell me my faults in private.”
Solomon Ibn Gabirol

“Your friend is your needs answered.”
Kahil Gibran

“Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.”
Kahil Gibran.

“In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.”
Kahil Gibran

“A sympathetic friend can be quite as dear as a brother.”
Homer (9th century B.C.)

“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.”
Samuel Johnson

“However rare true love may be, it is less so than true friendship.”
La Rochefoucauld (1665)

“A true friend is the greatest of all blessings, and that which we take the least care to acquire.”
La Rochefoucauld (1665)

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people, than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Bernard Meltzer

“Love is rarer than genius itself. And friendship is rarer than love.”
Charles Peguy

“There can be no Friendship where there is no Freedom.”
William Penn

“No man is useless while he has a friend.”
Robert Louis Stevenson

“A friend is a present you give yourself.”
Robert Louis Stevenson

An honest answer is the sign of true friendship.
Proverbs 24:26

“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends whom we choose.”
Tehyi Hsieh

“Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.”
Mark Twain

“A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else.”
Len Wein

“You cannot be friends upon any other terms than upon the terms of equality.”
Woodrow Wilson

It is not what you give your friend, but what you are willing to give him that determines the quality of friendship.
Mary Dixon Thayer

A single rose can be my garden… a single friend, my world.
Leo Buscaglia

Advice from your friends in like the weather, some of it is good, some of it is bad.
Anonymous

It’s the ones you can call up at 4:00 a.m. that really matter.
Marlene Dietrich

Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.
Samuel Paterson

Good friends are good for your health.
Irwin Sarason

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.
Henry David Thoreau

True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity, before it is entitled to the appellation.
George Washington

I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street.
Virginia Woolf

Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence.
Sydney Smith

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
Doug Larson

It is easy enough to be friendly to one’s friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business. —
Mahatma Gandhi

One of the surest evidences of friendship that one individual can display to another is telling him gently of a fault. If any other can excel it, it is listening to such a disclosure with gratitude, and amending the error.
Edward Bulwer-Lytton

Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.
Czech. Proverb

Friendship is to be purchased only by friendship. A man may have authority overothers, but he can never have their hearts but by giving his own.
Thomas Wilson

“Friendship multiplies the good of life and divides the evil.”
Baltasar Gracian (1647)

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

The enemy of my enemy is my friend…

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim

Let’s protest Friendship Day by having hot, friendship-ending sex.

You can’t ruin a friendship with sex that’s like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

My ex wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.

Wanna see who your real friends are? Screw up and see who’s still there.

A friend will lend a hand when your’s is tired.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside.

A friend with weed is a friend indeed.

A friend is like a good bra .. hard to find, supportive, comfortable, always fits you up, makes you look better, always .. close to your heart

All you have to do in life is go out with your friends; Party hard and look twice as good as the bitch standing next to you – Paris Hilton

When my friend doesn’t come to school: 5% – ” I hope they’re ok” & 95% – “That idiot, how dare they leave me alone !!!”

Friends are like boooobs. You’ve go big ones, small ones, real ones and fake ones.

Friendship is like pissing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside.

Friends buy you a lunch, best friends eat your lunch.

Good friends don’t let you do stupid things alone …

Friends are like potatoes, when you eat em, they die.

My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that make me cry. So i threw a coconut at his face

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Funny quotes

1) The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.

2) What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? “Hold my purse”

3) The road to success is always under construction.

4) Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.

5) I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong

6) If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

7) Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

8) Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

9) If there is a “WILL”, there are 500 relatives.

10) Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

11) You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’

12) The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

13) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“Our basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” -Paul Pearshall

“A rich man’s joke is always funny.” -Thomas Browne, Sr.

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” -Will Rogers

“And as I looked up, I was gazing on a hill, and in my spine I felt an icy, icy chill. And as I looked upon him, my heart was filled with fear. I was looking at a man sporting a funny crown, three nails, and a spear.” -Nate Ramer

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” -Meredith Grey

“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” -Steve Martin

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” -Peter Ustinov

“Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” -Meredith Grey

“English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.” -Jack Herbert

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.” -Will Rogers

“Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They don’t know they’re being funny.” -Stephen Colbert

“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” -William Arthur Ward

“Funny is an attitude.” -Flip Wilson

“Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond.” -James Cramer

“Garry Shandling always said to me, Don’t get mad, get funny. It changed my life.” -Rip Torn

“God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.” -Garrison Keillor

“He would say, ‘How funny it will all seem, all you’ve gone through, when I’m not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away…’ And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.” -Arthur Rimbaud

“Here’s my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what’s funny about what you’re doing.” -Roger Von Oech

“I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.’.” -Janeane Garofalo

“I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that’s really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, ‘Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!’ And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.” -Jon Stewart

“I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie.” -William Friedkin

“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.” -Woody Allen

“I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep…standing on the edge of something much too deep…funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word…we are screaming inside, oh, but we can’t be heard…so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose…clinging to a past.” -Sarah Mclachlan

“If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” -Will Rogers

“If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least one.” -Joe Harsel

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” -Billy Wilder

“Time is swift, it races by; Opportunities are born and die… Still you wait and will not try – A bird with wings who dares not rise and fly.” -A.A. Milne

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” -Oscar Wilde

“It’s funny how the beauty of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s a funny old world.” -Margaret Thatcher

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” -William Somerset Maugham

“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost

“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer

“It’s funny how you never think about the women you’ve had. It’s always the ones who get away that you can’t forget.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s funny that those things your kids did that got on your nerves seem so cute when your grandchildren do them.” -Unknown

“It’s funny, isn’t it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?.” -Monty Python

“It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.” -Mae West

“Jazz is not dead – it just smells funny.” -Frank Zappa

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” -George Bernard Shaw

“Nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend.” -Unknown

“No, I always wanted to be a singer. It was kind of funny that I took this road, started acting, then-almost ten years later-in Wayne’s World people finally got to see me sing. And everyone thought it was dubbed in.” -Tia Carrere

“One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn’t even funny..But then it was funny.” -Gerard Way

“People are constantly saying, ‘How’s it feel to have such an impact?’ I just want to be funny. I’m a comedian, not a political thinker. We’re changing the world one factual error at a time.” -Stephen Colbert

“People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart.” -Howard Simons

“People will wonder, Am I supposed to think this is funny or serious? People need the comforting aural cue of laughter. It’s conditioning.” -Unknown

“Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.” -Will Rogers

“Some of the things I write are unbelievably funny. No one believes they’re funny except me.” -Unknown

“Sometimes men are scared of me. You become a kind of an icon on television, and people are a little bit unsure, careful. It’s funny.” -Mischa Barton

“Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.” -Guy Davenport

“Temper is a funny thing; it spoils children, ruins adults, and strengthens steel.” -Unknown

“That is the best – to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny.” -Gloria Vanderbilt

“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” -David Ogilvy

“The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised, to notice that there is something funny going on.” -David Gelernter

“The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it.” -Elaine Agather

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny’.” -Isaac Asimov

“There are plenty of teams in every sport that have great players and never win titles. Most of the time, those players aren’t willing to sacrifice for the greater good of the team. The funny thing is, in the end, their unwillingness to sacrifice only makes individual goals more difficult to achieve. One thing I believe to the fullest is that if you think and achieve as a team, the individual accolades will take care of themselves. Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.” -Michael Jordan

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.” -Bill Cosby

“They say he’s [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?’.” -Casey Stengel

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.” -Jack Handy

“Two roads diverged in a funny feeling I took the wrong road.” -Unknown

“Underwear. It’s like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked.” -Pete Wentz

“Violence is not funny.” -William Friedkin

“We make everything funny, you wouldn’t believe the things we laugh at. We’re always laughing-people think we’re completely mad!.” -Emma Bunton

“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” -George Orwell

“When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.” -George Bernard Shaw

“While the people off fighting foreign tyrants generally get the praise of the American public, those who fight American tyrants mostly just get funny looks from their fellow Americans.” -Larken Rose

“You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man’s rib; she was really made from his funny bone.” -James Matthew Barrie

“And when the music goes to-toot, The monkey acts so funny; That we all hurry up and scoot; To get some monkey-money. M-double-unk for the monkey, M-double-an for the man; M-double-unky, hunky monkey, Hunkey monkey-man. Ever since the world began; Children danced and children ran; When they heard the monkey-man, The m-double-unky man.” -Edmund Vance Cooke

“It is a difficult thing to like anybody else’s ideas of being funny.” -Gertrude Stein

“It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.” -Gertrude Stein

“I never dare to write; As funny as I can.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.” -Quentin Crisp

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. pupusas right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
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4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No Loser, I paid Rs.125 to come to the cinema and stare at the pupusas floor.
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6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
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7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
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8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest pupusas thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
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9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet? ” If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

A post from: funny quotes and sayings