A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Funny quotes

1) The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.

2) What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? “Hold my purse”

3) The road to success is always under construction.

4) Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.

5) I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong

6) If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

7) Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

8) Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

9) If there is a “WILL”, there are 500 relatives.

10) Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

11) You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’

12) The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

13) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“Our basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” -Paul Pearshall

“A rich man’s joke is always funny.” -Thomas Browne, Sr.

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” -Will Rogers

“And as I looked up, I was gazing on a hill, and in my spine I felt an icy, icy chill. And as I looked upon him, my heart was filled with fear. I was looking at a man sporting a funny crown, three nails, and a spear.” -Nate Ramer

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” -Meredith Grey

“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” -Steve Martin

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” -Peter Ustinov

“Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” -Meredith Grey

“English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.” -Jack Herbert

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.” -Will Rogers

“Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They don’t know they’re being funny.” -Stephen Colbert

“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” -William Arthur Ward

“Funny is an attitude.” -Flip Wilson

“Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond.” -James Cramer

“Garry Shandling always said to me, Don’t get mad, get funny. It changed my life.” -Rip Torn

“God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.” -Garrison Keillor

“He would say, ‘How funny it will all seem, all you’ve gone through, when I’m not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away…’ And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.” -Arthur Rimbaud

“Here’s my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what’s funny about what you’re doing.” -Roger Von Oech

“I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.’.” -Janeane Garofalo

“I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that’s really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, ‘Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!’ And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.” -Jon Stewart

“I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie.” -William Friedkin

“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.” -Woody Allen

“I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep…standing on the edge of something much too deep…funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word…we are screaming inside, oh, but we can’t be heard…so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose…clinging to a past.” -Sarah Mclachlan

“If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” -Will Rogers

“If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least one.” -Joe Harsel

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” -Billy Wilder

“Time is swift, it races by; Opportunities are born and die… Still you wait and will not try – A bird with wings who dares not rise and fly.” -A.A. Milne

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” -Oscar Wilde

“It’s funny how the beauty of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s a funny old world.” -Margaret Thatcher

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” -William Somerset Maugham

“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost

“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer

“It’s funny how you never think about the women you’ve had. It’s always the ones who get away that you can’t forget.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s funny that those things your kids did that got on your nerves seem so cute when your grandchildren do them.” -Unknown

“It’s funny, isn’t it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?.” -Monty Python

“It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.” -Mae West

“Jazz is not dead – it just smells funny.” -Frank Zappa

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” -George Bernard Shaw

“Nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend.” -Unknown

“No, I always wanted to be a singer. It was kind of funny that I took this road, started acting, then-almost ten years later-in Wayne’s World people finally got to see me sing. And everyone thought it was dubbed in.” -Tia Carrere

“One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn’t even funny..But then it was funny.” -Gerard Way

“People are constantly saying, ‘How’s it feel to have such an impact?’ I just want to be funny. I’m a comedian, not a political thinker. We’re changing the world one factual error at a time.” -Stephen Colbert

“People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart.” -Howard Simons

“People will wonder, Am I supposed to think this is funny or serious? People need the comforting aural cue of laughter. It’s conditioning.” -Unknown

“Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.” -Will Rogers

“Some of the things I write are unbelievably funny. No one believes they’re funny except me.” -Unknown

“Sometimes men are scared of me. You become a kind of an icon on television, and people are a little bit unsure, careful. It’s funny.” -Mischa Barton

“Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.” -Guy Davenport

“Temper is a funny thing; it spoils children, ruins adults, and strengthens steel.” -Unknown

“That is the best – to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny.” -Gloria Vanderbilt

“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” -David Ogilvy

“The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised, to notice that there is something funny going on.” -David Gelernter

“The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it.” -Elaine Agather

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny’.” -Isaac Asimov

“There are plenty of teams in every sport that have great players and never win titles. Most of the time, those players aren’t willing to sacrifice for the greater good of the team. The funny thing is, in the end, their unwillingness to sacrifice only makes individual goals more difficult to achieve. One thing I believe to the fullest is that if you think and achieve as a team, the individual accolades will take care of themselves. Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.” -Michael Jordan

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.” -Bill Cosby

“They say he’s [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?’.” -Casey Stengel

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.” -Jack Handy

“Two roads diverged in a funny feeling I took the wrong road.” -Unknown

“Underwear. It’s like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked.” -Pete Wentz

“Violence is not funny.” -William Friedkin

“We make everything funny, you wouldn’t believe the things we laugh at. We’re always laughing-people think we’re completely mad!.” -Emma Bunton

“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” -George Orwell

“When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.” -George Bernard Shaw

“While the people off fighting foreign tyrants generally get the praise of the American public, those who fight American tyrants mostly just get funny looks from their fellow Americans.” -Larken Rose

“You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man’s rib; she was really made from his funny bone.” -James Matthew Barrie

“And when the music goes to-toot, The monkey acts so funny; That we all hurry up and scoot; To get some monkey-money. M-double-unk for the monkey, M-double-an for the man; M-double-unky, hunky monkey, Hunkey monkey-man. Ever since the world began; Children danced and children ran; When they heard the monkey-man, The m-double-unky man.” -Edmund Vance Cooke

“It is a difficult thing to like anybody else’s ideas of being funny.” -Gertrude Stein

“It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.” -Gertrude Stein

“I never dare to write; As funny as I can.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.” -Quentin Crisp

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

The estimate of a woman is much more accurate than a man’s certainty.

Most women have to enemies all the other women, most Men have the other men as allies.

I do not deny that women are foolish, God Almighty created them so that they match the men.

Women talk and talk they want respectively, while a man will only talk when something outside of him to talk drives – for example, that he can not find any clean socks.

Sure some millionaires owe their success to their wives, but most women owe their success.

Only so-called unobtrusive women experience true love; striking beauties are usually too busy with their own sex appeal.

It is commonly said, the most beautiful woman in the world can not give as she has;
this is all wrong. They are just as much as you think to receive, because this determines the value of the gift of imagination.

Some woman crying because she did not get the man of her dreams, and some crying because she got him.

The claim that no man could ever love the same woman is so absurd as the claim that a fiddler need for the same piece of music more violins.

The whole hype emancipation did not change this, that women make themselves nicely to please men.

To leave a woman is to leave even the man she has done to you.

The woman belongs behind the stove and the stove belongs alongside the marriage bed.

Marriage is an attempt to be ready for two of the problems that we alone would never have had.

I was the best I ever had.

I do not understand why more people are bisexual. It would offer a chance to double up on a date on Saturday night.

Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

Sex between two people is wonderful. With fives it is downright fantastic.

Let me tell you a great story about oral contraception. I asked this girl if she wants to sleep with me, and she said: No!

I believe in sex and death – both experiences that you only do once in your life.

The last time I entered a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

A gentleman is a man who protects a woman until he is alone with her.

Nice if they found a woman for life. Even better, if you know a few more.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A smile is a light in the window of the soul, indicating that the heart is at home.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.

After being disappointed so many times, you start to lose hope in everything.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Common sense is not a gift, its a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it

Things I’m good at: pushing people away, sleeping, screwing everything up, forgetting to text back

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

I need a girl whose name doesn’t end in .JPG

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide…………

Making some changes to my life. Please leave a message and in case I don’t get back, then know that you are one of the changes.

Never laugh at your wife’s choices… You are one of them ….

Never gamble what you ccan’t afford to lose ……

A mother makes her son “gentle” in 20 years….. But a girl makes him “mental” in 20 minutes…

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up
’cause they’re looking for ideas.”- Paula Poundstone

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have
never failed to imitate them.” – James Baldwin

“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.” – Robert A. Heinlein

“Children are our most valuable resource.” – Herbert Hoover

“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.” – Martin Mull

Without children, my house would be clean and my wallet would be full, But my heart would be empty. - Unknown

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” – Phyllis Diller

“There’s nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child.” - Frank A. Clark

“Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

From the moment they placed you in my arms you snuggled right into my heart.. – Anonymous

Small enough to hold in your arms… big enough to fill your life with happiness and love….

To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today – Barbara Johnson

Children wil not remember you for the material things you provided, but for the feeling that you cherished them. – Richard L Evans

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice .. - Peggy O’ Mara

Don’t let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget you already have one. – Glennon Melton

While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. – Angela

Children are like wet cement whatever falls on them makes an impression – Dr. Haim Ginott

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Have you ever slept with a firefighter ? Want to ?

- Here’s the key to my house, my car and my heart …

- If i was God I’d make the world revolve around you.

- When i say i cleaned my room I usually mean, I made a path from my door to my bed.

-Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you would be guilty as charged…

- I will show you my immovable rod if you show me your portable hole !

- Hello i am not available.

- If you are my mother, i am busy trying to find a job so i can continue to support myself

- If you are my girlfriend/boyfriend, i am busy charging my phone after the two hour conversation with u

- If you are my room mate, i am busy stalling so youlll have to end up paying rent

- If you are my counseller, i am busy crying in my room

- If you are my parole officer trying to locate me, i am busy saving the bank tellers trouble by taking all the money so they don’t have to worry about any other thieves coming in.

- If you are a prank caller don’t bother calling again or else you want to sit in a circle with my mom, possibly my room mate, my counseller and my parole officer with a broken nose

- Being cheesy is the key say, ” do you come here often, and kiss me if you’ve heard that one before

- If you were a laser you’d be set on stunning.

- Your clothes look good.. at the foot of my bed.

- Did it hurt? You know, ascending from Hell’s depths.

- You look pretty. Pretty good at kissing.

- You remind me of my big toe,because i am going to bang you on every piece of furniture i own!

- Can you give me a coin ,i told my mom i would call her as soon as i see the girl of my dreams.

- ”Excuse me, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?” No. ”Enough to break the ice! _______.”

- ”Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you again?”

- ”I want to tell you your fortune.” Take her hand and write your phone number on it. “There’s your future.”

- ”Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can at least say a cute girl kissed me tonight?” – That would probably work on me cause i would definitely smile

- You say “You look just like my first wife” she says “How many times have you been married?” you say “never”.

- A man walked into the doctor’s the doctor said I haven’t seen you in a long time, The man replied, ‘I know I have been ill’

- Would you help me look for my lost dog ? I think he ran into that cheap motel room….

- Are your legs tired, because you have been running through my mind all day long……

- Are you on FACEBOOK ? because i would definitely click LIKE

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!

- A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. - Albert Einstein

- Hatred eats at the soul of the hater, not the hated.  -Alice Herz Sommer

- Goodness had nothing to do with it, dear. -Mae West

- What other people think of you is none of your business -Ben Franklin

- As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. -King Solomon

-Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. – Mark Twain

- A sure cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

- Accept what you can not change, but change what you do not accept.

- “If it wasn’t for bad luck……I’d have no luck at all!”

- ”Genius Is One Percent Inspiration, Ninety-Nine Percent Perspiration” – Thomas Alva Edison

- “Knowing Is Not Enough, We Must Apply. Willing Is Not Enough, We Must Do” – Bruce Lee

- Confucius say’s that Naked man at Airport is probably going to Bangkok

- Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication – Leonardo Da Vinci

- Of all the things I lost I miss my mind the most. - Ozzie Osbourne

- ”Here is my hand. Here is my heart!” – My father.

- I forgot the exact saying but it was very memorable.

- The less you know, the better

- Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. – Albert Einstein

- Live as if it is the last day of your life – Mahatma Gandhi

- Life is too short not to create something with every breath we draw -Maynard James Keenan (also known as Puscifer)

- Most people learn from their own mistakes.. Smart people learn from other peoples mistakes..

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!  -Bob Marley

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- To Alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems. - Homer Simpson

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- A POOR man says, “To see is to believe…” But a RICH man says, “Believe it & you will see it!!!”

- Its weird but must admit that, The last drop of pee always falls on underwear. FZFP6F8TFD2B

- You can’t hug yourself. You can’t cry on your own shoulder. Life is all about living for one another, so live with those who love you most.

- Think Thousand times before takina a decision But- After taking decision never turn back even if you get Thousand difficulties!!

- In life, think of mean people like sand paper. They may scratch you and hurt you, but at the end, you come out smooth and polished and the mean person is just worn and ugly.”

- Nothing is this world comes easy. You have to work to make things happen.

- “The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.”- Oprah

- Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions…. Sometimes the special occasion is that you’ve got a bottle of wine in the fridge….

- Rock Bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

- Omg Omg ..my iphone battery is low …how am I suppose to go to the toilet ….:) new age new problem

- Never burn bridges. Today’s junior jerk, tomorrow’s senior partner.” – Sigourney Weaver

- The secret of business is to know something that nobody else knows. – Aristotle Onassis

- Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. – George Bernard Shaw

- Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up cause they are looking for ideas. – Paula Poundstone

- Children have never been very good at listening to their elder, but they have never failed to imitate them. – James Baldwin

- Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

- Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them. – Bruce Lee

- As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent bring happy death. – Leonardo da Vinci

- Life is not divided into semesters. you don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. – Bill Gates

- Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death. – Alber Einstein

- The only rock i know that stays stead, the only institution I know that works is the family – Lee Iacocca

- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

- Love is friendship, set on fire. – Jeremey Taylor

- Its not lack of love, but lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Money won’t create success. The freedom to make it will. – Nelson Mandela

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but its reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale. – Zig Ziglar

- THe only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it. – Edith Wharton

- All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. – steve Martin

- Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. -Billy Wilder

- Life is one grand, sweet song so start the music. – Ronald Reagan

- I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to. – Elvis Presley

- Music is a safe kind of high. – Jimi Hendrix.

- Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. – Henry Ford

- We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time. – Vince Lombardi

- The breakfast of champions is not cereal, its the opposition.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings