A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“Our basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” -Paul Pearshall

“A rich man’s joke is always funny.” -Thomas Browne, Sr.

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” -Will Rogers

“And as I looked up, I was gazing on a hill, and in my spine I felt an icy, icy chill. And as I looked upon him, my heart was filled with fear. I was looking at a man sporting a funny crown, three nails, and a spear.” -Nate Ramer

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” -Meredith Grey

“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” -Steve Martin

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” -Peter Ustinov

“Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” -Meredith Grey

“English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.” -Jack Herbert

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.” -Will Rogers

“Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They don’t know they’re being funny.” -Stephen Colbert

“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” -William Arthur Ward

“Funny is an attitude.” -Flip Wilson

“Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond.” -James Cramer

“Garry Shandling always said to me, Don’t get mad, get funny. It changed my life.” -Rip Torn

“God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.” -Garrison Keillor

“He would say, ‘How funny it will all seem, all you’ve gone through, when I’m not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away…’ And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.” -Arthur Rimbaud

“Here’s my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what’s funny about what you’re doing.” -Roger Von Oech

“I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.’.” -Janeane Garofalo

“I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that’s really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, ‘Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!’ And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.” -Jon Stewart

“I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie.” -William Friedkin

“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.” -Woody Allen

“I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep…standing on the edge of something much too deep…funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word…we are screaming inside, oh, but we can’t be heard…so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose…clinging to a past.” -Sarah Mclachlan

“If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” -Will Rogers

“If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least one.” -Joe Harsel

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” -Billy Wilder

“Time is swift, it races by; Opportunities are born and die… Still you wait and will not try – A bird with wings who dares not rise and fly.” -A.A. Milne

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” -Oscar Wilde

“It’s funny how the beauty of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s a funny old world.” -Margaret Thatcher

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” -William Somerset Maugham

“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost

“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer

“It’s funny how you never think about the women you’ve had. It’s always the ones who get away that you can’t forget.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s funny that those things your kids did that got on your nerves seem so cute when your grandchildren do them.” -Unknown

“It’s funny, isn’t it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?.” -Monty Python

“It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.” -Mae West

“Jazz is not dead – it just smells funny.” -Frank Zappa

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” -George Bernard Shaw

“Nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend.” -Unknown

“No, I always wanted to be a singer. It was kind of funny that I took this road, started acting, then-almost ten years later-in Wayne’s World people finally got to see me sing. And everyone thought it was dubbed in.” -Tia Carrere

“One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn’t even funny..But then it was funny.” -Gerard Way

“People are constantly saying, ‘How’s it feel to have such an impact?’ I just want to be funny. I’m a comedian, not a political thinker. We’re changing the world one factual error at a time.” -Stephen Colbert

“People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart.” -Howard Simons

“People will wonder, Am I supposed to think this is funny or serious? People need the comforting aural cue of laughter. It’s conditioning.” -Unknown

“Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.” -Will Rogers

“Some of the things I write are unbelievably funny. No one believes they’re funny except me.” -Unknown

“Sometimes men are scared of me. You become a kind of an icon on television, and people are a little bit unsure, careful. It’s funny.” -Mischa Barton

“Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.” -Guy Davenport

“Temper is a funny thing; it spoils children, ruins adults, and strengthens steel.” -Unknown

“That is the best – to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny.” -Gloria Vanderbilt

“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” -David Ogilvy

“The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised, to notice that there is something funny going on.” -David Gelernter

“The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it.” -Elaine Agather

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny’.” -Isaac Asimov

“There are plenty of teams in every sport that have great players and never win titles. Most of the time, those players aren’t willing to sacrifice for the greater good of the team. The funny thing is, in the end, their unwillingness to sacrifice only makes individual goals more difficult to achieve. One thing I believe to the fullest is that if you think and achieve as a team, the individual accolades will take care of themselves. Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.” -Michael Jordan

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.” -Bill Cosby

“They say he’s [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?’.” -Casey Stengel

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.” -Jack Handy

“Two roads diverged in a funny feeling I took the wrong road.” -Unknown

“Underwear. It’s like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked.” -Pete Wentz

“Violence is not funny.” -William Friedkin

“We make everything funny, you wouldn’t believe the things we laugh at. We’re always laughing-people think we’re completely mad!.” -Emma Bunton

“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” -George Orwell

“When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.” -George Bernard Shaw

“While the people off fighting foreign tyrants generally get the praise of the American public, those who fight American tyrants mostly just get funny looks from their fellow Americans.” -Larken Rose

“You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man’s rib; she was really made from his funny bone.” -James Matthew Barrie

“And when the music goes to-toot, The monkey acts so funny; That we all hurry up and scoot; To get some monkey-money. M-double-unk for the monkey, M-double-an for the man; M-double-unky, hunky monkey, Hunkey monkey-man. Ever since the world began; Children danced and children ran; When they heard the monkey-man, The m-double-unky man.” -Edmund Vance Cooke

“It is a difficult thing to like anybody else’s ideas of being funny.” -Gertrude Stein

“It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.” -Gertrude Stein

“I never dare to write; As funny as I can.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.” -Quentin Crisp

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A smile is a light in the window of the soul, indicating that the heart is at home.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.

After being disappointed so many times, you start to lose hope in everything.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Common sense is not a gift, its a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it

Things I’m good at: pushing people away, sleeping, screwing everything up, forgetting to text back

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

I need a girl whose name doesn’t end in .JPG

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide…………

Making some changes to my life. Please leave a message and in case I don’t get back, then know that you are one of the changes.

Never laugh at your wife’s choices… You are one of them ….

Never gamble what you ccan’t afford to lose ……

A mother makes her son “gentle” in 20 years….. But a girl makes him “mental” in 20 minutes…

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

* Charlie don’t surf! - Apocalypse Now

* ”It’s not that I don’t trust people, I just don’t trust the devil inside them”  - The italian job

* ”They loved him up and turned him into a horny toad.” - O Brother, Where Art Thou?

* ”I’m a werewolf, ok? Let’s not make a big deal about it.” - Dark Shadows.

* Jesus. I got ‘em all! - Straw Dogs

* Even though im no better than a beast, dont i have the right to live? – unknown

* ”For those regarded as warriors, when engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior’s only concern. Suppress all human emotion and compassion. Kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be Lord God, or Buddha himself. This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat. ” - Kill Bill Vol 1

* ”I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” -unknown

* Any of you F pricks move, and I’ll execute every F last one of you! – Pulp Fiction

* I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain… Time to die. - Blade Runner

* There should be a captain in there somewhere, captain i wish to report a mutiny i can name fingers and point names - Pirates of the caribbean – on stranger tides (2011)

* Ripley: I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. – Aliens 1986

* ”Everybody freeze. Everybody down on the ground.” ”Well, which is it young fella, you want I should freeze or get down on the ground?” - Raising Arizona

* What’s up with it, Vanilla face? Me and my homie Azamat just parked our slab outside. We’re looking for somewhere to post up our Black asses for the night. So, uh, bang bang, skeet skeet – Borat

* Arch: you don’t want to catch cold again – Rock n Rolla

* Calling someone fat doesnt make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesnt make you any smarter. All you can do in life is try and solve the problem in front of you.

* If you vote for me all your wild dream will become true  - Napoleon Dynamite

* Don’t be so gloomy. After all it’s not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love – they had 500 years of
democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. So long Holly. – The Third Man

* I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? - Harry Callahan

* ”Opinions are like a s s holes , everybody has one” - The Dead Pool – Clint Eastwood

* I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick arse… and I’m all out of bubblegum. - They Live (1988)

* The world needs a wake up call, gentlemen. We’re gonna phone it in. - They Live (1988)

* Hasta la vista… baby.- Terminator 2

* My super Ex-Girlfriend “Oh, no no. Don’t tell me. You have invaded the female nation and spread your democracy.”  - Vaughn Haige

* ”We keeping moving forwards, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths”. -  Meet The Robinsons

* ”There’s only one God, ma’am. And I don’t think he dresses like that.” – Captain America in “The Avengers”

* My personality was created by someone else and all i got was this stupid t-shirt – Beginner 2010

* “You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want something, go get it. Period.” – Pursuit of Happiness

* Only the madman is absolutely sure. - The Illuminatus! Trilogy (1975)

* Is everything a Joke to you, Funny things are – The Avengers (2012)

* Sticks and stones may break my bones.. But i will repeatedly kick you in the bolls – Stepbrothers

* Don’t worry the zombies are looking for brains, you’re safe.. -You’re a great friend but if the zombies chase us, i’m tripping you – Zombieland

* “Let’s not blow this guy out of proportion”, “I will blow him in any proportion I want!” -Green Hornet.

* You probably get this a lot. This isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace is it? – Hangover

* ”This one’s called ‘Lick My Love Pump’” -Spinal Tap

I’ve tried my best to include most of funny and famous movie quotes. Please contribute to this post for more movie quotes, i will be glad to update this post. Please use this Contact Us page for your contribution.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

* What a beautiful morning … the sun is shining, the birds are singing. Now where is that fast-forward button to 5 pm?

* It is something like shooting birds in the dark in a country where there are only a few birds, I see no God up here

* Intelligence is creative mind not extensive memory..

* Yells a man, it is dynamic. Shouts a woman, it’s hysterical. – Hildegard Knef

* Some relations are like TOM & JERRY. They tease eacho ther but can’t live without each other.

* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

* Nagging is a more of a universal trait or rather a tool of women to hone their men to their taste.

* A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts

* when you are down and out, drag somebody else, along with you

* Forgive Your enemies but never forget their names

* The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

* Love is a serious mental illness. – Plato

*That’s life: sometimes you lose, sometimes the others win. 

* He who says A must, not a pound. He can also recognize that A was wrong.  - Bertolt Brecht

* Who does not have bad habits, probably has no personality. – William Faulkner

* Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* Flying is learnin ghow to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

* What you call do with no legs ? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

* Everyone needs to belive in something. I believe I will have another beer.

* A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

* Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares ? He is a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.

* I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life, they have shown me exactly who I do not want to be.

* Ideal for weddings are pierced men. You have experience with pain and are familiar with it, to buy jewelry. – Gabi Köster

* “If wrinkles must be written upon our brow, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should not grow old.”

* “If you think you know what the hell is going on, you’re probably full of ~love~.”

* If a man expects his Woman to be an angel in this life, Then he should first create Heaven for her.

* It takes two years to learn to speak, fifty to learn to be silent. – Ernest Hemingway

Browse for more funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

When a girl is in love, You can see it in her smile .. When a guy is in love, you can see it in his eyes…

Don’t try to understand a girl completely. If you do, then either you will go mad… or you will start loving her..

Nobody believes that M single…WTF… i mean to say “WOW THAT FANTASTIC” !!

The brain is the most outstanding organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity

I am not a perfect person, I make alot of mistakes… but still, I love those people who stay with me after knowing how I really am.

When a boy calls you cute he likes your face. When he call you hot he likes your body. When he calls you beautiful he likes your heart.

OK, I admit.. We do have something in common; We both LOVE me !” By Garfield(the cat)

Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.

Love is shown in your deeds,  not in your words.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Men are like bank accounts, without a log money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Do you belive in love at first sight or should i walk by again ?

My life without you would be like a broken pencil, pointless.

I love my computer because my friends live in it.

I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and she falls, does she make a noise. I’m joking she’s dead.

The funny thing is, nobody ever really knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken and we wouldn’t even notic it.

Follow your heart’s love, your life’s happiness will follow you.

True love stories never have a happy ending cauuse love never ends.

Roses are red violets are Blue, Love never crossed my mind until the day i met you

Our eyes are placed infront because it is more important to look ahead than to look back

People Say you can’t live without love…. I think Oxygen is more important.

I love you with all my butt, I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

NEver get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate ones.

Okay mind, i count to 3 and you erase him. 1,2 …. Ahhhh, let’s try again !

IF you love something let it go, If it comes back to you it’s your, If it doesn’t, it never was.

THe awkward moment when you are about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

Girls are like POkeman, you need balls to catch em..

Kiss my neck, bit me, pull my hair, trace my spine, hold me down, use your tongue, make me moan, Don’t stop till i am shaking.

Love is like a hurricane, you don’t know what is in for gain.

When you feel that nobody loves, you nobody cares for you. Everyone is ignoring you, and people are jealous of you. You should really ask yourself… Am i Too sexy ?

You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.

Please keep a lookout for more famous funny quotes on love on this blog post….

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

1. You cannot make Omlets without breaking the eggs.
2. Come to my parlour said the spider to the fly
3. A dog kennel is no place to hide a sausage
4. You can never unscramble eggs.
5. Fattest pigs go to the butcher first.
6. All that comes from a cow is not milk.
7. This shot was as sweet as tooti frooti!
8. Great feathers make great birds!
9. My idea of a bird is 36-24-36.
10. As innocent as freshly laid eggs.
11. A good lather is half the shave
12. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
13. A girl born beautiful is half married
14. There is always free cheese in a mousetrap
15. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
16. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
17. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
18. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
19. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
20. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
21. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
22. It is very difficult to kill a man who is hell bent on committing suicide!
23. When you are dining with the demons, you’ve got to have a long spoon!
24. All that comes from a cow is not milk!
25. Just because a rose smells sweet, you do not use it in the soup!
26. Humility is like an underwear. You have to wear it but should not show it
27. If “ifs and buts” were “pots and pans”, there would be no tinkers
28. Gamblers they Are like Toilets BROKE one Day Flush The Next

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Sex and alcohol, it fuels the desire but kills the performance…!!!

- Trust is like a paper once it’s crumpled it can’t be perfect again…

- You never realize what you have till its gone ..Toilet paper is a good example.

- People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion comes when people are used and things are loved.

- At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end.

- If you live your life fully, you will die only once. But if you are scared of every step, fear will kill you day after day. – Paulo coetho.

quotes about life

- ”Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”- Buddha

- When people ask dumb questions, I feel obligated to give sarcastic answers.

- A Jealous woman does better investigation than the FBI

- Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank, and he can rob the world.

- Be happy infront of people who don’t like you, it kills them

- I once had a life… THen some idiot came and told me to make a FACEBOOK account !!

- Don’t take me for granted, because unlike others, I am not afraid to walk away.

- I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.

- You don’t need to attend every argument you are invited to.

- When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am getting old … … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … …… … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …. … …… … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …. … …… … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …. … …I know that it is.

- “Power corrupts. Knowledge is power. Study hard. Be evil.”

- Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

- ”Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

- “It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”

- Criticizing is easy, art is difficult

- You can pick your own nose, but u cant pick yours friends nose

- I found life’s answers in my room; The fan said be cool. The roof said aim high. The window said see the world. The clock said every minute is precious. The mirror said reflect before you act. The calender said be up to date. The door said push hard for your goals & the carpet said kneel down and pray..

- We stopped checking for monsters under our bed because we realized they were within us.

Keep look out for more updates on funny quotes on life via thefunnyquotessayings.com

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.” –Bobcat Goldthwait

“I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister’s house and ask her for money.” –Kevin Meaney

“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ’Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ “ –Paula Poundstone

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?” –Warren Hutcherson

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” –Elayne Boosler

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?” –John Mendoza

“Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.” –Steven Wright

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks’ notice. There should beseverance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.” –Conan O’Brien

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” –Winston Spear

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” –Sue Murphy

“My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.” –Ron Richards

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.” –Lily Tomlin

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.” –David Letterman

“Chihuahua. There’s a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.” –Billiam Coronell

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.” –Rita Rudner

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” –Lily Tomlin

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’” –Jerry Seinfeld

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.” –Steven Wright

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ “ –Bruce Baum

“I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: ‘I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know. ’Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?” –Garry Shandling

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’” –Richard Jeni

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” –Paul Rodriguez

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.” –Lynda Montgomery

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- I failed in some subjects in exam, but my friend passed in all. Now he is an engineer in Microsoft and i am the owner of Microsoft – Bill Gates

- I should just change my voice mail greeting to : “Please hang up and text me”.

- I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off. – Unknown AKA Anonymous

- “When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don’t know how to spell anonymous.”-Unknown

- I never make stupid mistakes, only very very clever ones… [one of my favorite funny quotes]

- Three things a guy want to change about his girl is her last name, address and her viewpoint on men. -Kid Cudi

- Thank you for reading this. i’ve officially wasted your time. LOL

- I hear there’s a new app call “sense of Humor.” Download it moron.

- Smile, it scares people ..

- Dear Radio Stations, you know there’s more than 5 songs in the world, right?!

- Q: WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT MOST ON YOUR PLANET???

A: My Answer: a place where insane people live!

- A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world…Ohh sorry that’s wine…. wine does that.

- Going into the unknown is how you expand what is known.

- If you can’t do a pull-up, you have a problem.

- “HAVE PATIENCE” is the favourite word of lazy people

- 3 people = Threesome, 2 people = Twosome and 1 person = ???? Guess ..!!!! one-some..!! No its hand-some

- I don’t have drinking problem, i am just really thirsty ..

- I don’t drink these days, i am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. – Robert Downey, Jr

-It is bad to suppress your laughter, it goes back down to your hips.

- People say you can’t live without love … I think oxygen is more important

- Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?

- There are no stupid questions, just stupid people …

- A BOSS is like a diaper.. Always on your ass, and usually full of sh … it

- Adults are just kids with money …

- Good friends don’t let you do stupid things alone ..

- I stopped fighting my inner demons. We are on the same side now.

- Life is too shor to spend with people who suck the happiness out of you…

- Boyfriends are like sticky tape- once you get one you can’t seem to shake them off !!

- This room is full of people that think you are funny.

- You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. -funny birthday quote

- Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Friends, please remember to keep your eye on this post. I will be updating this post more often for more cool hilarious funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings