A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Funny quotes

1) The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.

2) What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? “Hold my purse”

3) The road to success is always under construction.

4) Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.

5) I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong

6) If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

7) Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

8) Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

9) If there is a “WILL”, there are 500 relatives.

10) Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

11) You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’

12) The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

13) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“Our basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” -Paul Pearshall

“A rich man’s joke is always funny.” -Thomas Browne, Sr.

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” -Will Rogers

“And as I looked up, I was gazing on a hill, and in my spine I felt an icy, icy chill. And as I looked upon him, my heart was filled with fear. I was looking at a man sporting a funny crown, three nails, and a spear.” -Nate Ramer

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” -Meredith Grey

“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” -Steve Martin

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” -Peter Ustinov

“Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” -Meredith Grey

“English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.” -Jack Herbert

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.” -Will Rogers

“Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They don’t know they’re being funny.” -Stephen Colbert

“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” -William Arthur Ward

“Funny is an attitude.” -Flip Wilson

“Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond.” -James Cramer

“Garry Shandling always said to me, Don’t get mad, get funny. It changed my life.” -Rip Torn

“God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.” -Garrison Keillor

“He would say, ‘How funny it will all seem, all you’ve gone through, when I’m not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away…’ And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.” -Arthur Rimbaud

“Here’s my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what’s funny about what you’re doing.” -Roger Von Oech

“I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.’.” -Janeane Garofalo

“I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that’s really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, ‘Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!’ And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.” -Jon Stewart

“I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie.” -William Friedkin

“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.” -Woody Allen

“I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep…standing on the edge of something much too deep…funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word…we are screaming inside, oh, but we can’t be heard…so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose…clinging to a past.” -Sarah Mclachlan

“If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” -Will Rogers

“If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least one.” -Joe Harsel

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” -Billy Wilder

“Time is swift, it races by; Opportunities are born and die… Still you wait and will not try – A bird with wings who dares not rise and fly.” -A.A. Milne

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” -Oscar Wilde

“It’s funny how the beauty of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s a funny old world.” -Margaret Thatcher

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” -William Somerset Maugham

“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost

“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer

“It’s funny how you never think about the women you’ve had. It’s always the ones who get away that you can’t forget.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s funny that those things your kids did that got on your nerves seem so cute when your grandchildren do them.” -Unknown

“It’s funny, isn’t it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?.” -Monty Python

“It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.” -Mae West

“Jazz is not dead – it just smells funny.” -Frank Zappa

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” -George Bernard Shaw

“Nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend.” -Unknown

“No, I always wanted to be a singer. It was kind of funny that I took this road, started acting, then-almost ten years later-in Wayne’s World people finally got to see me sing. And everyone thought it was dubbed in.” -Tia Carrere

“One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn’t even funny..But then it was funny.” -Gerard Way

“People are constantly saying, ‘How’s it feel to have such an impact?’ I just want to be funny. I’m a comedian, not a political thinker. We’re changing the world one factual error at a time.” -Stephen Colbert

“People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart.” -Howard Simons

“People will wonder, Am I supposed to think this is funny or serious? People need the comforting aural cue of laughter. It’s conditioning.” -Unknown

“Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.” -Will Rogers

“Some of the things I write are unbelievably funny. No one believes they’re funny except me.” -Unknown

“Sometimes men are scared of me. You become a kind of an icon on television, and people are a little bit unsure, careful. It’s funny.” -Mischa Barton

“Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.” -Guy Davenport

“Temper is a funny thing; it spoils children, ruins adults, and strengthens steel.” -Unknown

“That is the best – to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny.” -Gloria Vanderbilt

“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” -David Ogilvy

“The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised, to notice that there is something funny going on.” -David Gelernter

“The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it.” -Elaine Agather

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny’.” -Isaac Asimov

“There are plenty of teams in every sport that have great players and never win titles. Most of the time, those players aren’t willing to sacrifice for the greater good of the team. The funny thing is, in the end, their unwillingness to sacrifice only makes individual goals more difficult to achieve. One thing I believe to the fullest is that if you think and achieve as a team, the individual accolades will take care of themselves. Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.” -Michael Jordan

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.” -Bill Cosby

“They say he’s [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?’.” -Casey Stengel

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.” -Jack Handy

“Two roads diverged in a funny feeling I took the wrong road.” -Unknown

“Underwear. It’s like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked.” -Pete Wentz

“Violence is not funny.” -William Friedkin

“We make everything funny, you wouldn’t believe the things we laugh at. We’re always laughing-people think we’re completely mad!.” -Emma Bunton

“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” -George Orwell

“When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.” -George Bernard Shaw

“While the people off fighting foreign tyrants generally get the praise of the American public, those who fight American tyrants mostly just get funny looks from their fellow Americans.” -Larken Rose

“You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man’s rib; she was really made from his funny bone.” -James Matthew Barrie

“And when the music goes to-toot, The monkey acts so funny; That we all hurry up and scoot; To get some monkey-money. M-double-unk for the monkey, M-double-an for the man; M-double-unky, hunky monkey, Hunkey monkey-man. Ever since the world began; Children danced and children ran; When they heard the monkey-man, The m-double-unky man.” -Edmund Vance Cooke

“It is a difficult thing to like anybody else’s ideas of being funny.” -Gertrude Stein

“It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.” -Gertrude Stein

“I never dare to write; As funny as I can.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.” -Quentin Crisp

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!

- A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. - Albert Einstein

- Hatred eats at the soul of the hater, not the hated.  -Alice Herz Sommer

- Goodness had nothing to do with it, dear. -Mae West

- What other people think of you is none of your business -Ben Franklin

- As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. -King Solomon

-Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. – Mark Twain

- A sure cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

- Accept what you can not change, but change what you do not accept.

- “If it wasn’t for bad luck……I’d have no luck at all!”

- ”Genius Is One Percent Inspiration, Ninety-Nine Percent Perspiration” – Thomas Alva Edison

- “Knowing Is Not Enough, We Must Apply. Willing Is Not Enough, We Must Do” – Bruce Lee

- Confucius say’s that Naked man at Airport is probably going to Bangkok

- Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication – Leonardo Da Vinci

- Of all the things I lost I miss my mind the most. - Ozzie Osbourne

- ”Here is my hand. Here is my heart!” – My father.

- I forgot the exact saying but it was very memorable.

- The less you know, the better

- Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. – Albert Einstein

- Live as if it is the last day of your life – Mahatma Gandhi

- Life is too short not to create something with every breath we draw -Maynard James Keenan (also known as Puscifer)

- Most people learn from their own mistakes.. Smart people learn from other peoples mistakes..

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!  -Bob Marley

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- To Alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems. - Homer Simpson

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Life is not a movie but sometimes I just wish it is… I could just edit some parts

- Women are completely defenseless…. until the nailpolish is dry

- Do not underestimate yourself by comparing yourself with others. It’s our differences that make us unique and beautiful.

- Only three types of people tell the truth: Kids, the drunk person and the angry..

- Of a rascal and a serpent, the serpent is the better of the two, for he strikes only at the time he is destined to kill, while the former at every step — Chanakya

- Don’t break anybody’s heard, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206….

- ”Life is like a piano, the white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys also create music.”

- Don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.

- ”The problem with the world is taht the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski

- Never try to dominate the one who says sorry to you for their mistake. Becasue, they understand, you are more important than their Ego

- Don’t fear the enemy that attacks you, but the fake friend that hugs you….

- When we destroy something created by man, we call it VANDALISM. But when we destroy something by nature, we call it PROGRESS. – Ed Begley JR

- An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. WHen life is dragging you back with difficulties, just imagine that its going to launch you into something great

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

* Try not to become a man of success but a man of value

* The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

* A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.

* Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are.

* Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn’t matter which color does the hating. It’s just plain wrong.

* He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.

* Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don’t let yourself believe it will happen to you.

* Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.

* Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.

* It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

* What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us..

* The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer. This may be the single most important key to the political behavior of Western Civilization.

* Intelligence is the capacity to receive, decode and transmit information efficiently. Stupidity is blockage of this process at any point. Bigotry, ideologies etc. block the ability to receive; robotic reality-tunnels block the ability to decode or integrate new signals; censorship blocks transmission.

* I think I got off on the wrong planet. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no rational life here.

* You must be the change you wish to see in the world

* You can do anything, but not everything. —David Allen

* We are all here for some special reason. Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future.

I hope you’ve enjoyed best of funny life quotes to live by … Please keep coming back for more updates on best funny quotes to live by .. I will be updating this post time to time…

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

When a girl is in love, You can see it in her smile .. When a guy is in love, you can see it in his eyes…

Don’t try to understand a girl completely. If you do, then either you will go mad… or you will start loving her..

Nobody believes that M single…WTF… i mean to say “WOW THAT FANTASTIC” !!

The brain is the most outstanding organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity

I am not a perfect person, I make alot of mistakes… but still, I love those people who stay with me after knowing how I really am.

When a boy calls you cute he likes your face. When he call you hot he likes your body. When he calls you beautiful he likes your heart.

OK, I admit.. We do have something in common; We both LOVE me !” By Garfield(the cat)

Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.

Love is shown in your deeds,  not in your words.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Men are like bank accounts, without a log money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Do you belive in love at first sight or should i walk by again ?

My life without you would be like a broken pencil, pointless.

I love my computer because my friends live in it.

I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and she falls, does she make a noise. I’m joking she’s dead.

The funny thing is, nobody ever really knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken and we wouldn’t even notic it.

Follow your heart’s love, your life’s happiness will follow you.

True love stories never have a happy ending cauuse love never ends.

Roses are red violets are Blue, Love never crossed my mind until the day i met you

Our eyes are placed infront because it is more important to look ahead than to look back

People Say you can’t live without love…. I think Oxygen is more important.

I love you with all my butt, I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

NEver get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate ones.

Okay mind, i count to 3 and you erase him. 1,2 …. Ahhhh, let’s try again !

IF you love something let it go, If it comes back to you it’s your, If it doesn’t, it never was.

THe awkward moment when you are about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

Girls are like POkeman, you need balls to catch em..

Kiss my neck, bit me, pull my hair, trace my spine, hold me down, use your tongue, make me moan, Don’t stop till i am shaking.

Love is like a hurricane, you don’t know what is in for gain.

When you feel that nobody loves, you nobody cares for you. Everyone is ignoring you, and people are jealous of you. You should really ask yourself… Am i Too sexy ?

You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.

Please keep a lookout for more famous funny quotes on love on this blog post….

A post from: funny quotes and sayings