A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“Our basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” -Paul Pearshall

“A rich man’s joke is always funny.” -Thomas Browne, Sr.

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” -Will Rogers

“And as I looked up, I was gazing on a hill, and in my spine I felt an icy, icy chill. And as I looked upon him, my heart was filled with fear. I was looking at a man sporting a funny crown, three nails, and a spear.” -Nate Ramer

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” -Meredith Grey

“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” -Steve Martin

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” -Peter Ustinov

“Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” -Meredith Grey

“English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.” -Jack Herbert

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.” -Will Rogers

“Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They don’t know they’re being funny.” -Stephen Colbert

“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” -William Arthur Ward

“Funny is an attitude.” -Flip Wilson

“Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond.” -James Cramer

“Garry Shandling always said to me, Don’t get mad, get funny. It changed my life.” -Rip Torn

“God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.” -Garrison Keillor

“He would say, ‘How funny it will all seem, all you’ve gone through, when I’m not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away…’ And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.” -Arthur Rimbaud

“Here’s my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what’s funny about what you’re doing.” -Roger Von Oech

“I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.’.” -Janeane Garofalo

“I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that’s really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, ‘Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!’ And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.” -Jon Stewart

“I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie.” -William Friedkin

“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.” -Woody Allen

“I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep…standing on the edge of something much too deep…funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word…we are screaming inside, oh, but we can’t be heard…so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose…clinging to a past.” -Sarah Mclachlan

“If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” -Will Rogers

“If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least one.” -Joe Harsel

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” -Billy Wilder

“Time is swift, it races by; Opportunities are born and die… Still you wait and will not try – A bird with wings who dares not rise and fly.” -A.A. Milne

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” -Oscar Wilde

“It’s funny how the beauty of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s a funny old world.” -Margaret Thatcher

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” -William Somerset Maugham

“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost

“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer

“It’s funny how you never think about the women you’ve had. It’s always the ones who get away that you can’t forget.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s funny that those things your kids did that got on your nerves seem so cute when your grandchildren do them.” -Unknown

“It’s funny, isn’t it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?.” -Monty Python

“It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.” -Mae West

“Jazz is not dead – it just smells funny.” -Frank Zappa

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” -George Bernard Shaw

“Nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend.” -Unknown

“No, I always wanted to be a singer. It was kind of funny that I took this road, started acting, then-almost ten years later-in Wayne’s World people finally got to see me sing. And everyone thought it was dubbed in.” -Tia Carrere

“One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn’t even funny..But then it was funny.” -Gerard Way

“People are constantly saying, ‘How’s it feel to have such an impact?’ I just want to be funny. I’m a comedian, not a political thinker. We’re changing the world one factual error at a time.” -Stephen Colbert

“People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart.” -Howard Simons

“People will wonder, Am I supposed to think this is funny or serious? People need the comforting aural cue of laughter. It’s conditioning.” -Unknown

“Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.” -Will Rogers

“Some of the things I write are unbelievably funny. No one believes they’re funny except me.” -Unknown

“Sometimes men are scared of me. You become a kind of an icon on television, and people are a little bit unsure, careful. It’s funny.” -Mischa Barton

“Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.” -Guy Davenport

“Temper is a funny thing; it spoils children, ruins adults, and strengthens steel.” -Unknown

“That is the best – to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny.” -Gloria Vanderbilt

“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” -David Ogilvy

“The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised, to notice that there is something funny going on.” -David Gelernter

“The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it.” -Elaine Agather

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny’.” -Isaac Asimov

“There are plenty of teams in every sport that have great players and never win titles. Most of the time, those players aren’t willing to sacrifice for the greater good of the team. The funny thing is, in the end, their unwillingness to sacrifice only makes individual goals more difficult to achieve. One thing I believe to the fullest is that if you think and achieve as a team, the individual accolades will take care of themselves. Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.” -Michael Jordan

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.” -Bill Cosby

“They say he’s [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?’.” -Casey Stengel

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.” -Jack Handy

“Two roads diverged in a funny feeling I took the wrong road.” -Unknown

“Underwear. It’s like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked.” -Pete Wentz

“Violence is not funny.” -William Friedkin

“We make everything funny, you wouldn’t believe the things we laugh at. We’re always laughing-people think we’re completely mad!.” -Emma Bunton

“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” -George Orwell

“When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.” -George Bernard Shaw

“While the people off fighting foreign tyrants generally get the praise of the American public, those who fight American tyrants mostly just get funny looks from their fellow Americans.” -Larken Rose

“You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man’s rib; she was really made from his funny bone.” -James Matthew Barrie

“And when the music goes to-toot, The monkey acts so funny; That we all hurry up and scoot; To get some monkey-money. M-double-unk for the monkey, M-double-an for the man; M-double-unky, hunky monkey, Hunkey monkey-man. Ever since the world began; Children danced and children ran; When they heard the monkey-man, The m-double-unky man.” -Edmund Vance Cooke

“It is a difficult thing to like anybody else’s ideas of being funny.” -Gertrude Stein

“It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.” -Gertrude Stein

“I never dare to write; As funny as I can.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.” -Quentin Crisp

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A smile is a light in the window of the soul, indicating that the heart is at home.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.

After being disappointed so many times, you start to lose hope in everything.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Common sense is not a gift, its a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it

Things I’m good at: pushing people away, sleeping, screwing everything up, forgetting to text back

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

I need a girl whose name doesn’t end in .JPG

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide…………

Making some changes to my life. Please leave a message and in case I don’t get back, then know that you are one of the changes.

Never laugh at your wife’s choices… You are one of them ….

Never gamble what you ccan’t afford to lose ……

A mother makes her son “gentle” in 20 years….. But a girl makes him “mental” in 20 minutes…

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” – Confucius

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” – Maya Angelou

“Man should forget his anger before he lies down to sleep.” – Mohandas Gandhi

“I’m tired of all the nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?” – Jean Kerr

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” –  Denis Waitley

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” – James Baldwin

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.” – Mark Twain

“Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.” – Albert Einstein

“It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.” – Alec Bourne

Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.

“The sole equality on earth is death.” - Philip James Bailey

Always forgive your enemies;nothing annoys them so much.

Great dreams of great dreamers are always transcended.

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without
accepting it.” - Aristotle

The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams. – Oprah Winfrey

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!

- A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. - Albert Einstein

- Hatred eats at the soul of the hater, not the hated.  -Alice Herz Sommer

- Goodness had nothing to do with it, dear. -Mae West

- What other people think of you is none of your business -Ben Franklin

- As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. -King Solomon

-Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. – Mark Twain

- A sure cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

- Accept what you can not change, but change what you do not accept.

- “If it wasn’t for bad luck……I’d have no luck at all!”

- ”Genius Is One Percent Inspiration, Ninety-Nine Percent Perspiration” – Thomas Alva Edison

- “Knowing Is Not Enough, We Must Apply. Willing Is Not Enough, We Must Do” – Bruce Lee

- Confucius say’s that Naked man at Airport is probably going to Bangkok

- Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication – Leonardo Da Vinci

- Of all the things I lost I miss my mind the most. - Ozzie Osbourne

- ”Here is my hand. Here is my heart!” – My father.

- I forgot the exact saying but it was very memorable.

- The less you know, the better

- Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. – Albert Einstein

- Live as if it is the last day of your life – Mahatma Gandhi

- Life is too short not to create something with every breath we draw -Maynard James Keenan (also known as Puscifer)

- Most people learn from their own mistakes.. Smart people learn from other peoples mistakes..

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!  -Bob Marley

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- To Alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems. - Homer Simpson

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- I failed in some subjects in exam, but my friend passed in all. Now he is an engineer in Microsoft and i am the owner of Microsoft – Bill Gates

- I should just change my voice mail greeting to : “Please hang up and text me”.

- I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off. – Unknown AKA Anonymous

- “When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don’t know how to spell anonymous.”-Unknown

- I never make stupid mistakes, only very very clever ones… [one of my favorite funny quotes]

- Three things a guy want to change about his girl is her last name, address and her viewpoint on men. -Kid Cudi

- Thank you for reading this. i’ve officially wasted your time. LOL

- I hear there’s a new app call “sense of Humor.” Download it moron.

- Smile, it scares people ..

- Dear Radio Stations, you know there’s more than 5 songs in the world, right?!

- Q: WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT MOST ON YOUR PLANET???

A: My Answer: a place where insane people live!

- A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world…Ohh sorry that’s wine…. wine does that.

- Going into the unknown is how you expand what is known.

- If you can’t do a pull-up, you have a problem.

- “HAVE PATIENCE” is the favourite word of lazy people

- 3 people = Threesome, 2 people = Twosome and 1 person = ???? Guess ..!!!! one-some..!! No its hand-some

- I don’t have drinking problem, i am just really thirsty ..

- I don’t drink these days, i am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. – Robert Downey, Jr

-It is bad to suppress your laughter, it goes back down to your hips.

- People say you can’t live without love … I think oxygen is more important

- Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?

- There are no stupid questions, just stupid people …

- A BOSS is like a diaper.. Always on your ass, and usually full of sh … it

- Adults are just kids with money …

- Good friends don’t let you do stupid things alone ..

- I stopped fighting my inner demons. We are on the same side now.

- Life is too shor to spend with people who suck the happiness out of you…

- Boyfriends are like sticky tape- once you get one you can’t seem to shake them off !!

- This room is full of people that think you are funny.

- You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. -funny birthday quote

- Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Friends, please remember to keep your eye on this post. I will be updating this post more often for more cool hilarious funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings