A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“Our basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” -Paul Pearshall

“A rich man’s joke is always funny.” -Thomas Browne, Sr.

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” -Will Rogers

“And as I looked up, I was gazing on a hill, and in my spine I felt an icy, icy chill. And as I looked upon him, my heart was filled with fear. I was looking at a man sporting a funny crown, three nails, and a spear.” -Nate Ramer

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” -Meredith Grey

“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” -Steve Martin

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” -Peter Ustinov

“Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” -Meredith Grey

“English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.” -Jack Herbert

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.” -Will Rogers

“Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They don’t know they’re being funny.” -Stephen Colbert

“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” -William Arthur Ward

“Funny is an attitude.” -Flip Wilson

“Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond.” -James Cramer

“Garry Shandling always said to me, Don’t get mad, get funny. It changed my life.” -Rip Torn

“God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.” -Garrison Keillor

“He would say, ‘How funny it will all seem, all you’ve gone through, when I’m not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away someday, far away…’ And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.” -Arthur Rimbaud

“Here’s my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what’s funny about what you’re doing.” -Roger Von Oech

“I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest.’.” -Janeane Garofalo

“I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that’s really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, ‘Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!’ And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.” -Jon Stewart

“I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie.” -William Friedkin

“I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.” -Woody Allen

“I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep…standing on the edge of something much too deep…funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word…we are screaming inside, oh, but we can’t be heard…so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose…clinging to a past.” -Sarah Mclachlan

“If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.” -Will Rogers

“If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least one.” -Joe Harsel

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” -Billy Wilder

“Time is swift, it races by; Opportunities are born and die… Still you wait and will not try – A bird with wings who dares not rise and fly.” -A.A. Milne

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” -Oscar Wilde

“It’s funny how the beauty of art has so much more to do with the frame than with the artwork itself.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s a funny old world.” -Margaret Thatcher

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” -William Somerset Maugham

“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost

“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.” -Arnold Palmer

“It’s funny how you never think about the women you’ve had. It’s always the ones who get away that you can’t forget.” -Chuck Palahniuk

“It’s funny that those things your kids did that got on your nerves seem so cute when your grandchildren do them.” -Unknown

“It’s funny, isn’t it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?.” -Monty Python

“It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.” -Mae West

“Jazz is not dead – it just smells funny.” -Frank Zappa

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.” -George Bernard Shaw

“Nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend.” -Unknown

“No, I always wanted to be a singer. It was kind of funny that I took this road, started acting, then-almost ten years later-in Wayne’s World people finally got to see me sing. And everyone thought it was dubbed in.” -Tia Carrere

“One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn’t even funny..But then it was funny.” -Gerard Way

“People are constantly saying, ‘How’s it feel to have such an impact?’ I just want to be funny. I’m a comedian, not a political thinker. We’re changing the world one factual error at a time.” -Stephen Colbert

“People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart.” -Howard Simons

“People will wonder, Am I supposed to think this is funny or serious? People need the comforting aural cue of laughter. It’s conditioning.” -Unknown

“Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.” -Will Rogers

“Some of the things I write are unbelievably funny. No one believes they’re funny except me.” -Unknown

“Sometimes men are scared of me. You become a kind of an icon on television, and people are a little bit unsure, careful. It’s funny.” -Mischa Barton

“Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.” -Guy Davenport

“Temper is a funny thing; it spoils children, ruins adults, and strengthens steel.” -Unknown

“That is the best – to laugh with someone because you both think the same things are funny.” -Gloria Vanderbilt

“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” -David Ogilvy

“The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised, to notice that there is something funny going on.” -David Gelernter

“The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it.” -Elaine Agather

“The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny’.” -Isaac Asimov

“There are plenty of teams in every sport that have great players and never win titles. Most of the time, those players aren’t willing to sacrifice for the greater good of the team. The funny thing is, in the end, their unwillingness to sacrifice only makes individual goals more difficult to achieve. One thing I believe to the fullest is that if you think and achieve as a team, the individual accolades will take care of themselves. Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.” -Michael Jordan

“There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.” -Bill Cosby

“They say he’s [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?’.” -Casey Stengel

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.” -Jack Handy

“Two roads diverged in a funny feeling I took the wrong road.” -Unknown

“Underwear. It’s like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked.” -Pete Wentz

“Violence is not funny.” -William Friedkin

“We make everything funny, you wouldn’t believe the things we laugh at. We’re always laughing-people think we’re completely mad!.” -Emma Bunton

“Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.” -George Orwell

“When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.” -George Bernard Shaw

“While the people off fighting foreign tyrants generally get the praise of the American public, those who fight American tyrants mostly just get funny looks from their fellow Americans.” -Larken Rose

“You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man’s rib; she was really made from his funny bone.” -James Matthew Barrie

“And when the music goes to-toot, The monkey acts so funny; That we all hurry up and scoot; To get some monkey-money. M-double-unk for the monkey, M-double-an for the man; M-double-unky, hunky monkey, Hunkey monkey-man. Ever since the world began; Children danced and children ran; When they heard the monkey-man, The m-double-unky man.” -Edmund Vance Cooke

“It is a difficult thing to like anybody else’s ideas of being funny.” -Gertrude Stein

“It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.” -Gertrude Stein

“I never dare to write; As funny as I can.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.” -Quentin Crisp

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Have you ever slept with a firefighter ? Want to ?

- Here’s the key to my house, my car and my heart …

- If i was God I’d make the world revolve around you.

- When i say i cleaned my room I usually mean, I made a path from my door to my bed.

-Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you would be guilty as charged…

- I will show you my immovable rod if you show me your portable hole !

- Hello i am not available.

- If you are my mother, i am busy trying to find a job so i can continue to support myself

- If you are my girlfriend/boyfriend, i am busy charging my phone after the two hour conversation with u

- If you are my room mate, i am busy stalling so youlll have to end up paying rent

- If you are my counseller, i am busy crying in my room

- If you are my parole officer trying to locate me, i am busy saving the bank tellers trouble by taking all the money so they don’t have to worry about any other thieves coming in.

- If you are a prank caller don’t bother calling again or else you want to sit in a circle with my mom, possibly my room mate, my counseller and my parole officer with a broken nose

- Being cheesy is the key say, ” do you come here often, and kiss me if you’ve heard that one before

- If you were a laser you’d be set on stunning.

- Your clothes look good.. at the foot of my bed.

- Did it hurt? You know, ascending from Hell’s depths.

- You look pretty. Pretty good at kissing.

- You remind me of my big toe,because i am going to bang you on every piece of furniture i own!

- Can you give me a coin ,i told my mom i would call her as soon as i see the girl of my dreams.

- ”Excuse me, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?” No. ”Enough to break the ice! _______.”

- ”Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you again?”

- ”I want to tell you your fortune.” Take her hand and write your phone number on it. “There’s your future.”

- ”Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can at least say a cute girl kissed me tonight?” – That would probably work on me cause i would definitely smile

- You say “You look just like my first wife” she says “How many times have you been married?” you say “never”.

- A man walked into the doctor’s the doctor said I haven’t seen you in a long time, The man replied, ‘I know I have been ill’

- Would you help me look for my lost dog ? I think he ran into that cheap motel room….

- Are your legs tired, because you have been running through my mind all day long……

- Are you on FACEBOOK ? because i would definitely click LIKE

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” -Woody Allen.

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” -Rodney Dangerfield.

Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right and the other is the husband

“Ah, yes, divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” -Robin Williams.

“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” -Duane Dewel.

If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee, If you were my wife. I would drink it !

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” -Helen Rowland

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America… The rest cheat in Europe.” -Jackie Mason

“Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.” -Leonardo Di Vinci.

“I’m the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern.” -Mickey Rooney.

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” -Rodney Dangerfield.

“The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.” -Johnny Carson

“Marriage is a wonderful invetion … THen again so is a puncture repair kit ” – Billy Connolly

Maybe we should make “straight marriage” illegal. It doesn’t seem to have a very high success rate.

If you are wrong and you shut up, you are wise. If you are right and shut up, you are married.

“I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” -Lewis Grizzard.

Marriage is having someone who will die for you if you don’t kill them first.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

# For high blood pressure patients – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

# Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

# If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

# Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

# If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

# Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

# Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

# Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

# A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and goind back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

# You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

# If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

# If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

When a girl is in love, You can see it in her smile .. When a guy is in love, you can see it in his eyes…

Don’t try to understand a girl completely. If you do, then either you will go mad… or you will start loving her..

Nobody believes that M single…WTF… i mean to say “WOW THAT FANTASTIC” !!

The brain is the most outstanding organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity

I am not a perfect person, I make alot of mistakes… but still, I love those people who stay with me after knowing how I really am.

When a boy calls you cute he likes your face. When he call you hot he likes your body. When he calls you beautiful he likes your heart.

OK, I admit.. We do have something in common; We both LOVE me !” By Garfield(the cat)

Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.

Love is shown in your deeds,  not in your words.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Men are like bank accounts, without a log money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Do you belive in love at first sight or should i walk by again ?

My life without you would be like a broken pencil, pointless.

I love my computer because my friends live in it.

I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and she falls, does she make a noise. I’m joking she’s dead.

The funny thing is, nobody ever really knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken and we wouldn’t even notic it.

Follow your heart’s love, your life’s happiness will follow you.

True love stories never have a happy ending cauuse love never ends.

Roses are red violets are Blue, Love never crossed my mind until the day i met you

Our eyes are placed infront because it is more important to look ahead than to look back

People Say you can’t live without love…. I think Oxygen is more important.

I love you with all my butt, I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

NEver get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate ones.

Okay mind, i count to 3 and you erase him. 1,2 …. Ahhhh, let’s try again !

IF you love something let it go, If it comes back to you it’s your, If it doesn’t, it never was.

THe awkward moment when you are about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

Girls are like POkeman, you need balls to catch em..

Kiss my neck, bit me, pull my hair, trace my spine, hold me down, use your tongue, make me moan, Don’t stop till i am shaking.

Love is like a hurricane, you don’t know what is in for gain.

When you feel that nobody loves, you nobody cares for you. Everyone is ignoring you, and people are jealous of you. You should really ask yourself… Am i Too sexy ?

You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.

Please keep a lookout for more famous funny quotes on love on this blog post….

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Sex and alcohol, it fuels the desire but kills the performance…!!!

- Trust is like a paper once it’s crumpled it can’t be perfect again…

- You never realize what you have till its gone ..Toilet paper is a good example.

- People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion comes when people are used and things are loved.

- At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end.

- If you live your life fully, you will die only once. But if you are scared of every step, fear will kill you day after day. – Paulo coetho.

quotes about life

- ”Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”- Buddha

- When people ask dumb questions, I feel obligated to give sarcastic answers.

- A Jealous woman does better investigation than the FBI

- Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank, and he can rob the world.

- Be happy infront of people who don’t like you, it kills them

- I once had a life… THen some idiot came and told me to make a FACEBOOK account !!

- Don’t take me for granted, because unlike others, I am not afraid to walk away.

- I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.

- You don’t need to attend every argument you are invited to.

- When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am getting old … … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … …… … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …. … …… … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …. … …… … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …. … …I know that it is.

- “Power corrupts. Knowledge is power. Study hard. Be evil.”

- Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

- ”Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

- “It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”

- Criticizing is easy, art is difficult

- You can pick your own nose, but u cant pick yours friends nose

- I found life’s answers in my room; The fan said be cool. The roof said aim high. The window said see the world. The clock said every minute is precious. The mirror said reflect before you act. The calender said be up to date. The door said push hard for your goals & the carpet said kneel down and pray..

- We stopped checking for monsters under our bed because we realized they were within us.

Keep look out for more updates on funny quotes on life via thefunnyquotessayings.com

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.” –Bobcat Goldthwait

“I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister’s house and ask her for money.” –Kevin Meaney

“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ’Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ “ –Paula Poundstone

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?” –Warren Hutcherson

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” –Elayne Boosler

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?” –John Mendoza

“Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.” –Steven Wright

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks’ notice. There should beseverance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
–Bob Ettinger

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.” –Conan O’Brien

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” –Winston Spear

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” –Sue Murphy

“My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.” –Ron Richards

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.” –Lily Tomlin

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.” –David Letterman

“Chihuahua. There’s a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.” –Billiam Coronell

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.” –Rita Rudner

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” –Lily Tomlin

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’” –Jerry Seinfeld

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.” –Steven Wright

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ “ –Bruce Baum

“I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: ‘I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know. ’Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?” –Garry Shandling

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’” –Richard Jeni

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” –Paul Rodriguez

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.” –Lynda Montgomery

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- I failed in some subjects in exam, but my friend passed in all. Now he is an engineer in Microsoft and i am the owner of Microsoft – Bill Gates

- I should just change my voice mail greeting to : “Please hang up and text me”.

- I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off. – Unknown AKA Anonymous

- “When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don’t know how to spell anonymous.”-Unknown

- I never make stupid mistakes, only very very clever ones… [one of my favorite funny quotes]

- Three things a guy want to change about his girl is her last name, address and her viewpoint on men. -Kid Cudi

- Thank you for reading this. i’ve officially wasted your time. LOL

- I hear there’s a new app call “sense of Humor.” Download it moron.

- Smile, it scares people ..

- Dear Radio Stations, you know there’s more than 5 songs in the world, right?!

- Q: WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT MOST ON YOUR PLANET???

A: My Answer: a place where insane people live!

- A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world…Ohh sorry that’s wine…. wine does that.

- Going into the unknown is how you expand what is known.

- If you can’t do a pull-up, you have a problem.

- “HAVE PATIENCE” is the favourite word of lazy people

- 3 people = Threesome, 2 people = Twosome and 1 person = ???? Guess ..!!!! one-some..!! No its hand-some

- I don’t have drinking problem, i am just really thirsty ..

- I don’t drink these days, i am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. – Robert Downey, Jr

-It is bad to suppress your laughter, it goes back down to your hips.

- People say you can’t live without love … I think oxygen is more important

- Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?

- There are no stupid questions, just stupid people …

- A BOSS is like a diaper.. Always on your ass, and usually full of sh … it

- Adults are just kids with money …

- Good friends don’t let you do stupid things alone ..

- I stopped fighting my inner demons. We are on the same side now.

- Life is too shor to spend with people who suck the happiness out of you…

- Boyfriends are like sticky tape- once you get one you can’t seem to shake them off !!

- This room is full of people that think you are funny.

- You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. -funny birthday quote

- Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Friends, please remember to keep your eye on this post. I will be updating this post more often for more cool hilarious funny quotes and sayings

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