A post from: funny quotes and sayings

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers would determine who among them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest that thing you know?” Mike, the American, replied, “A THOUGHT. It comes without any warning; It just pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that I know..” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And now you sir?” he asked Vladimir, the Russian. “Hmm…. let me see.

A blink! It comes and goes without you knowing that it ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer.

“The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

He then turned to Matthew, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the barn comes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

Turning to Romario, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Romario replied, “Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et’s obyus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats…”Oh, I can expleyn sir,”

said Romario. “You see, sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but bepore I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!”

Romario is now the new “Greeter” at Wal-Mart.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

# For high blood pressure patients – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

# Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

# If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

# Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

# If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

# Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

# Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

# Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

# A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and goind back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

# You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

# If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

# If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

funny classroom jokes for kids

Student: Can’t Sir !
Teacher: Brilliant ! absolutely right.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using
tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me
how I spell it.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the
ground than you are.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with
‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie…… Always say, ‘I
am.’
MILLIE: All right…; ‘I am the
ninth letter of the alphabet.’
__________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now,
Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his
hand.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom
is a good cook.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’
is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who
keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Going to Heaven

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven…so he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan didnt answer it correctly the person can go to Heaven.

So the first person tries. He was a Mathematician, and he gave Satan a very tough maths formula. But Satan solved it in no time. So the mathematician goes to Hell…

The second person, who happens to be a scientist, gave it a try. He asked Satan to prove a very difficult Science question involving quantum theory and Newton’s law and watever sh*t in between. Once again Satan managed to answer correctly, so the man goes to Hell…*haiz*..*sad*…

The last guy goes forward. He was a ~censored~, so Satan laughed at him. Nontheless, he asked to be given a chair and an electric drill, and he was given those things. So he drilled five identical holes in a circle in the middle of the chair, sat on the chair and farted.

He asked Satan, “Which hole did I fart through?”

Satan examined the chair and measured the diameter of every hole. He turned the chair in everyway possible. Finally he said exasperated, “this hole”, pointing to the fifth hole.

“Wrong!!…haha..i farted through my A55HOLE!!!…. I go to Heaven!!!”…..

Foul Mouths of Italian Men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country….we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives………

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

Farmhouse

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, “No… the bees never touched me – but doesn’t that calf have a mother!?!”

Stuttering problem

A man visits the doctor’s because he has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: ‘It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
problem of stuttering.

Patient: ‘Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?’

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: ‘Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches’.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
‘I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble’…

Honeymoon Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. ‘My darring,’
he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls… Numbaa 69.’

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her….

‘You want…… Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?’

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

[funny joke title] Importance of a name

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Not to worry,” Peter said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”

“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”

“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”

“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class.
What about you?
Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..!
What about you?

[funny joke title]  Little Johnny and Jenny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.” Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.” Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?” Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far…”

[funny joke title] Twenty Years

A post from: funny quotes and sayings