A post from: funny quotes and sayings

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers would determine who among them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest that thing you know?” Mike, the American, replied, “A THOUGHT. It comes without any warning; It just pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that I know..” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And now you sir?” he asked Vladimir, the Russian. “Hmm…. let me see.

A blink! It comes and goes without you knowing that it ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer.

“The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

He then turned to Matthew, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the barn comes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

Turning to Romario, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Romario replied, “Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et’s obyus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats…”Oh, I can expleyn sir,”

said Romario. “You see, sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but bepore I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!”

Romario is now the new “Greeter” at Wal-Mart.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

# For high blood pressure patients – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

# Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

# If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

# Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

# If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

# Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

# Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

# Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

# A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and goind back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

# You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

# If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

# If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Going to Heaven

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven…so he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan didnt answer it correctly the person can go to Heaven.

So the first person tries. He was a Mathematician, and he gave Satan a very tough maths formula. But Satan solved it in no time. So the mathematician goes to Hell…

The second person, who happens to be a scientist, gave it a try. He asked Satan to prove a very difficult Science question involving quantum theory and Newton’s law and watever sh*t in between. Once again Satan managed to answer correctly, so the man goes to Hell…*haiz*..*sad*…

The last guy goes forward. He was a ~censored~, so Satan laughed at him. Nontheless, he asked to be given a chair and an electric drill, and he was given those things. So he drilled five identical holes in a circle in the middle of the chair, sat on the chair and farted.

He asked Satan, “Which hole did I fart through?”

Satan examined the chair and measured the diameter of every hole. He turned the chair in everyway possible. Finally he said exasperated, “this hole”, pointing to the fifth hole.

“Wrong!!…haha..i farted through my A55HOLE!!!…. I go to Heaven!!!”…..

Foul Mouths of Italian Men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country….we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives………

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

Farmhouse

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, “No… the bees never touched me – but doesn’t that calf have a mother!?!”

Stuttering problem

A man visits the doctor’s because he has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: ‘It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
problem of stuttering.

Patient: ‘Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?’

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: ‘Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches’.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
‘I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble’…

Honeymoon Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. ‘My darring,’
he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls… Numbaa 69.’

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her….

‘You want…… Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?’

A post from: funny quotes and sayings