A post from: funny quotes and sayings

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. pupusas right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
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4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No Loser, I paid Rs.125 to come to the cinema and stare at the pupusas floor.
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6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
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7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
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8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest pupusas thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
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9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet? ” If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.

Proof by forward reference:

Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first.

Proof by funding:

How could three different government agencies be wrong?

Proof by example:

The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof.

Proof by omission:

“The reader may easily supply the details” or “The other 253 cases are analogous”
Proof by deferral:

“We’ll prove this later in the course”.

Proof by picture:

A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission.

Proof by intimidation:

“Trivial.”

Proof by adverb:

“As is quite clear, the elementary aforementioned statement is obviously valid.”

Proof by seduction:

“Convince yourself that this is true! ”

Proof by cumbersome notation:

Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.

Proof by exhaustion:

An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.

Proof by obfuscation:

A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.

Proof by wishful citation:

The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.

Proof by eminent authority:

“I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP- complete.”

Proof by personal communication:

“Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication].”

Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:

“To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.”

Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:

The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.

Proof by importance:

A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question.

Proof by accumulated evidence:

Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.

Proof by cosmology:

The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.

Proof by mutual reference:

In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.

Proof by metaproof:

A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques.

Proof by vehement assertion:

It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.

Proof by ghost reference:

Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given.

Proof by semantic shift:

Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result.

Proof by appeal to intuition:

Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.

Source of this funny ways to prove things (funny math jokes) via http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers would determine who among them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest that thing you know?” Mike, the American, replied, “A THOUGHT. It comes without any warning; It just pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that I know..” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And now you sir?” he asked Vladimir, the Russian. “Hmm…. let me see.

A blink! It comes and goes without you knowing that it ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer.

“The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

He then turned to Matthew, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the barn comes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

Turning to Romario, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Romario replied, “Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et’s obyus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats…”Oh, I can expleyn sir,”

said Romario. “You see, sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but bepore I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!”

Romario is now the new “Greeter” at Wal-Mart.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

By Dr. Leonard
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

By Dr. Rebecca Clair, Norfolk
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble withone of his medications ‘Which one?’ I asked.’The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

By Dr. Donald MacDonald, San Francisco
A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

By Dr. Neil Swanson, Corvallis
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered, ‘Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.’

By An RN
A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety oftattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely nude they noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’

By Dr. R. Byrnes, Seattle
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I Instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Finally……..
Dr. Anonymous
As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No, Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner”.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A budding poet trying his best…

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this…

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote,

You’re lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
But shit my pants!

Perhaps it’s true that people find inspiration in toilets.

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose…

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my b a lls,
And read the bullshit on the walls…

No matter how you shake and dance
the last drop fall into your pants

In this noble hall,
use some paper not the wall.
If no paper is to be found,
rub your ass along the ground

As I write on shit house walls
I roll my shit into little b a lls
And those who read my words of wit
Eat those little balls of shit

i saw this one when i was a kid it read ” my mother made me a homo s exual ”
and the response was ” if i give her the wool will she make me one too ”

Here I sit
Waiting to shit
And all I do is keep farting

One from the 60′s when mini skirts were very short.
If skirts get much shorter, Mary said with a blush.
I’ll have 2 more cheeks to powder and a lot more hair to brush!

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a Pylon…
10,000 volts shot up it’s a s s.
And turned the wool to nylon.

I saw one in Perth Australia in 1986 that reads: What are you looking at? The joke is between your legs

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

funny classroom jokes for kids

Student: Can’t Sir !
Teacher: Brilliant ! absolutely right.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using
tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me
how I spell it.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the
ground than you are.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with
‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie…… Always say, ‘I
am.’
MILLIE: All right…; ‘I am the
ninth letter of the alphabet.’
__________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now,
Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his
hand.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom
is a good cook.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’
is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who
keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Going to Heaven

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven…so he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan didnt answer it correctly the person can go to Heaven.

So the first person tries. He was a Mathematician, and he gave Satan a very tough maths formula. But Satan solved it in no time. So the mathematician goes to Hell…

The second person, who happens to be a scientist, gave it a try. He asked Satan to prove a very difficult Science question involving quantum theory and Newton’s law and watever sh*t in between. Once again Satan managed to answer correctly, so the man goes to Hell…*haiz*..*sad*…

The last guy goes forward. He was a ~censored~, so Satan laughed at him. Nontheless, he asked to be given a chair and an electric drill, and he was given those things. So he drilled five identical holes in a circle in the middle of the chair, sat on the chair and farted.

He asked Satan, “Which hole did I fart through?”

Satan examined the chair and measured the diameter of every hole. He turned the chair in everyway possible. Finally he said exasperated, “this hole”, pointing to the fifth hole.

“Wrong!!…haha..i farted through my A55HOLE!!!…. I go to Heaven!!!”…..

Foul Mouths of Italian Men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country….we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives………

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

Farmhouse

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, “No… the bees never touched me – but doesn’t that calf have a mother!?!”

Stuttering problem

A man visits the doctor’s because he has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: ‘It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
problem of stuttering.

Patient: ‘Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?’

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: ‘Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches’.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
‘I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble’…

Honeymoon Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. ‘My darring,’
he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls… Numbaa 69.’

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her….

‘You want…… Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?’

A post from: funny quotes and sayings