A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Funny quotes

1) The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.

2) What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? “Hold my purse”

3) The road to success is always under construction.

4) Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.

5) I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong

6) If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

7) Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

8) Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

9) If there is a “WILL”, there are 500 relatives.

10) Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

11) You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’

12) The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

13) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“Beautiful has nothing to do with looks. It’s how you are as a person and how you make others feel about themselves.” – Unknown

“It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.”- Leo Tolstoy

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”- Margaret Hungerford

“A smile is the best makeup a girl can wear.”

“Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.”

“Believe me, if i looked good, it’s not an accident.” – Nora Ephron

“I’m tired of all the nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep
enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?”- Jean Kerr

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.”- Confucius

“If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good.”

“You create beauty with your attitude, your behavior, your actions. Its all up to you.”

“Beauty is being the best possible version of yourself on the inside and out.”

“Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty – they merely
move it from their faces into their hearts.”- Martin Buxbaum

“Beauty, to me, is about being comfortable in your own skin. That or a kick-ass red lipstick.” -Gwyneth Paltrow

“It is not beauty that endears; it’s love that makes us see beauty.”- Leo Tolstoy

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” – Dorothy Parker

“Beauty is NOT defined by the size of your jeans but by the size of your heart. ”

“She got her looks from her father. He is a plastic surgeon.”

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius And its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” – Marilyn

“Beauty is a curse on the world. It keeps us from seeing who the real monsters are.”

“When you fall for someone’s personality everything about them becomes beautiful.”

“Beauty can be bold or natural, but it always has to be in harmony with the individual.” – Katysonril

“I always find beauty in things that are odd, imperfect, they are much more interesting.”- Marc Jacobs

“Some people look for a beautiful place, others make a place beautiful.” – Hazbat Khan

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” – Ms. Piggy

“Whats the beauty of a gift when it’s left unwrapped for the whole world to explore?”

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A smile is a light in the window of the soul, indicating that the heart is at home.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.

After being disappointed so many times, you start to lose hope in everything.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Common sense is not a gift, its a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it

Things I’m good at: pushing people away, sleeping, screwing everything up, forgetting to text back

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

I need a girl whose name doesn’t end in .JPG

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide…………

Making some changes to my life. Please leave a message and in case I don’t get back, then know that you are one of the changes.

Never laugh at your wife’s choices… You are one of them ….

Never gamble what you ccan’t afford to lose ……

A mother makes her son “gentle” in 20 years….. But a girl makes him “mental” in 20 minutes…

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!

- A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. - Albert Einstein

- Hatred eats at the soul of the hater, not the hated.  -Alice Herz Sommer

- Goodness had nothing to do with it, dear. -Mae West

- What other people think of you is none of your business -Ben Franklin

- As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. -King Solomon

-Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. – Mark Twain

- A sure cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

- Accept what you can not change, but change what you do not accept.

- “If it wasn’t for bad luck……I’d have no luck at all!”

- ”Genius Is One Percent Inspiration, Ninety-Nine Percent Perspiration” – Thomas Alva Edison

- “Knowing Is Not Enough, We Must Apply. Willing Is Not Enough, We Must Do” – Bruce Lee

- Confucius say’s that Naked man at Airport is probably going to Bangkok

- Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication – Leonardo Da Vinci

- Of all the things I lost I miss my mind the most. - Ozzie Osbourne

- ”Here is my hand. Here is my heart!” – My father.

- I forgot the exact saying but it was very memorable.

- The less you know, the better

- Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. – Albert Einstein

- Live as if it is the last day of your life – Mahatma Gandhi

- Life is too short not to create something with every breath we draw -Maynard James Keenan (also known as Puscifer)

- Most people learn from their own mistakes.. Smart people learn from other peoples mistakes..

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!  -Bob Marley

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- To Alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems. - Homer Simpson

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- A POOR man says, “To see is to believe…” But a RICH man says, “Believe it & you will see it!!!”

- Its weird but must admit that, The last drop of pee always falls on underwear. FZFP6F8TFD2B

- You can’t hug yourself. You can’t cry on your own shoulder. Life is all about living for one another, so live with those who love you most.

- Think Thousand times before takina a decision But- After taking decision never turn back even if you get Thousand difficulties!!

- In life, think of mean people like sand paper. They may scratch you and hurt you, but at the end, you come out smooth and polished and the mean person is just worn and ugly.”

- Nothing is this world comes easy. You have to work to make things happen.

- “The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.”- Oprah

- Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions…. Sometimes the special occasion is that you’ve got a bottle of wine in the fridge….

- Rock Bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

- Omg Omg ..my iphone battery is low …how am I suppose to go to the toilet ….:) new age new problem

- Never burn bridges. Today’s junior jerk, tomorrow’s senior partner.” – Sigourney Weaver

- The secret of business is to know something that nobody else knows. – Aristotle Onassis

- Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. – George Bernard Shaw

- Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up cause they are looking for ideas. – Paula Poundstone

- Children have never been very good at listening to their elder, but they have never failed to imitate them. – James Baldwin

- Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

- Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them. – Bruce Lee

- As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent bring happy death. – Leonardo da Vinci

- Life is not divided into semesters. you don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. – Bill Gates

- Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death. – Alber Einstein

- The only rock i know that stays stead, the only institution I know that works is the family – Lee Iacocca

- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

- Love is friendship, set on fire. – Jeremey Taylor

- Its not lack of love, but lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Money won’t create success. The freedom to make it will. – Nelson Mandela

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but its reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale. – Zig Ziglar

- THe only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it. – Edith Wharton

- All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. – steve Martin

- Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. -Billy Wilder

- Life is one grand, sweet song so start the music. – Ronald Reagan

- I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to. – Elvis Presley

- Music is a safe kind of high. – Jimi Hendrix.

- Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. – Henry Ford

- We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time. – Vince Lombardi

- The breakfast of champions is not cereal, its the opposition.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Being on a boat that’s moving through the water, it’s so clear. Everything falls into place in terms of what’s important and what’s not.

- Falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard, and letting go is the hardest part.

- Forgiving isn’t Forgetting. Its just letting go of the hurt.

- No matter how many times I try and move on, my heart always takes me back here to you.

- True love never dies as we see in our eyes, only when we let go that we can truly say goodbye.

- Sometimes all you can do is smile  Move on with your day, Hold back the tears and pretend you’re okay.

- You can fall in love in an instant. It’s letting go that takes time.

- Love is hard to get, but harder to let go. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened

- I can let go, I can forgive, I can move on, but I will never stop loving you.

- Saying goodbye is not the hard part,    it’s what we leave behind that’s tough.

- Giving up does not mean your letting go, It means you’ve decided to accept it wasnt meant to be.

- I have decided to stick to love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.

- When you are in love, you cannot fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.

- Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime.

- Don’t give up on love, because there is always someone who loves you. Even if it’s not the person you were hoping for.

- Someone said to me, “You’re too pretty to be single”. I said, “I’m too pretty to be used to,cheated on, and played with.”FD2B

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Keep yourself updated with more funny quotes and sayings ……

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

* What a beautiful morning … the sun is shining, the birds are singing. Now where is that fast-forward button to 5 pm?

* It is something like shooting birds in the dark in a country where there are only a few birds, I see no God up here

* Intelligence is creative mind not extensive memory..

* Yells a man, it is dynamic. Shouts a woman, it’s hysterical. – Hildegard Knef

* Some relations are like TOM & JERRY. They tease eacho ther but can’t live without each other.

* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

* Nagging is a more of a universal trait or rather a tool of women to hone their men to their taste.

* A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts

* when you are down and out, drag somebody else, along with you

* Forgive Your enemies but never forget their names

* The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

* Love is a serious mental illness. – Plato

*That’s life: sometimes you lose, sometimes the others win. 

* He who says A must, not a pound. He can also recognize that A was wrong.  - Bertolt Brecht

* Who does not have bad habits, probably has no personality. – William Faulkner

* Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* Flying is learnin ghow to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

* What you call do with no legs ? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

* Everyone needs to belive in something. I believe I will have another beer.

* A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

* Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares ? He is a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.

* I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life, they have shown me exactly who I do not want to be.

* Ideal for weddings are pierced men. You have experience with pain and are familiar with it, to buy jewelry. – Gabi Köster

* “If wrinkles must be written upon our brow, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should not grow old.”

* “If you think you know what the hell is going on, you’re probably full of ~love~.”

* If a man expects his Woman to be an angel in this life, Then he should first create Heaven for her.

* It takes two years to learn to speak, fifty to learn to be silent. – Ernest Hemingway

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A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

* Try not to become a man of success but a man of value

* The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

* A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.

* Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are.

* Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn’t matter which color does the hating. It’s just plain wrong.

* He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.

* Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don’t let yourself believe it will happen to you.

* Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.

* Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.

* It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

* What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us..

* The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer. This may be the single most important key to the political behavior of Western Civilization.

* Intelligence is the capacity to receive, decode and transmit information efficiently. Stupidity is blockage of this process at any point. Bigotry, ideologies etc. block the ability to receive; robotic reality-tunnels block the ability to decode or integrate new signals; censorship blocks transmission.

* I think I got off on the wrong planet. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no rational life here.

* You must be the change you wish to see in the world

* You can do anything, but not everything. —David Allen

* We are all here for some special reason. Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future.

I hope you’ve enjoyed best of funny life quotes to live by … Please keep coming back for more updates on best funny quotes to live by .. I will be updating this post time to time…

A post from: funny quotes and sayings