A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“In times of great stress or adversity, it’s always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.” – Lee Iacocca

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” – Maya Angelou

“Man should forget his anger before he lies down to sleep.” – Mohandas Gandhi

“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.” – Mark Twain

“Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman
scorned.” – William Congreve

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” – Buddha

“Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.” – Aristotle

When I felt miserable, I ran fast and far until my body hurt so much that I no longer cared about anything else.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” – Confucius

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” – Maya Angelou

“Man should forget his anger before he lies down to sleep.” – Mohandas Gandhi

“I’m tired of all the nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?” – Jean Kerr

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” –  Denis Waitley

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” – James Baldwin

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.” – Mark Twain

“Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.” – Albert Einstein

“It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.” – Alec Bourne

Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.

“The sole equality on earth is death.” - Philip James Bailey

Always forgive your enemies;nothing annoys them so much.

Great dreams of great dreamers are always transcended.

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without
accepting it.” - Aristotle

The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams. – Oprah Winfrey

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!

- A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. - Albert Einstein

- Hatred eats at the soul of the hater, not the hated.  -Alice Herz Sommer

- Goodness had nothing to do with it, dear. -Mae West

- What other people think of you is none of your business -Ben Franklin

- As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. -King Solomon

-Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. – Mark Twain

- A sure cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

- Accept what you can not change, but change what you do not accept.

- “If it wasn’t for bad luck……I’d have no luck at all!”

- ”Genius Is One Percent Inspiration, Ninety-Nine Percent Perspiration” – Thomas Alva Edison

- “Knowing Is Not Enough, We Must Apply. Willing Is Not Enough, We Must Do” – Bruce Lee

- Confucius say’s that Naked man at Airport is probably going to Bangkok

- Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication – Leonardo Da Vinci

- Of all the things I lost I miss my mind the most. - Ozzie Osbourne

- ”Here is my hand. Here is my heart!” – My father.

- I forgot the exact saying but it was very memorable.

- The less you know, the better

- Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. – Albert Einstein

- Live as if it is the last day of your life – Mahatma Gandhi

- Life is too short not to create something with every breath we draw -Maynard James Keenan (also known as Puscifer)

- Most people learn from their own mistakes.. Smart people learn from other peoples mistakes..

- Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!  -Bob Marley

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- To Alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems. - Homer Simpson

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- Life is not a movie but sometimes I just wish it is… I could just edit some parts

- Women are completely defenseless…. until the nailpolish is dry

- Do not underestimate yourself by comparing yourself with others. It’s our differences that make us unique and beautiful.

- Only three types of people tell the truth: Kids, the drunk person and the angry..

- Of a rascal and a serpent, the serpent is the better of the two, for he strikes only at the time he is destined to kill, while the former at every step — Chanakya

- Don’t break anybody’s heard, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206….

- ”Life is like a piano, the white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys also create music.”

- Don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.

- ”The problem with the world is taht the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski

- Never try to dominate the one who says sorry to you for their mistake. Becasue, they understand, you are more important than their Ego

- Don’t fear the enemy that attacks you, but the fake friend that hugs you….

- When we destroy something created by man, we call it VANDALISM. But when we destroy something by nature, we call it PROGRESS. – Ed Begley JR

- An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. WHen life is dragging you back with difficulties, just imagine that its going to launch you into something great

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

- A POOR man says, “To see is to believe…” But a RICH man says, “Believe it & you will see it!!!”

- Its weird but must admit that, The last drop of pee always falls on underwear. FZFP6F8TFD2B

- You can’t hug yourself. You can’t cry on your own shoulder. Life is all about living for one another, so live with those who love you most.

- Think Thousand times before takina a decision But- After taking decision never turn back even if you get Thousand difficulties!!

- In life, think of mean people like sand paper. They may scratch you and hurt you, but at the end, you come out smooth and polished and the mean person is just worn and ugly.”

- Nothing is this world comes easy. You have to work to make things happen.

- “The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.”- Oprah

- Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions…. Sometimes the special occasion is that you’ve got a bottle of wine in the fridge….

- Rock Bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

- Omg Omg ..my iphone battery is low …how am I suppose to go to the toilet ….:) new age new problem

- Never burn bridges. Today’s junior jerk, tomorrow’s senior partner.” – Sigourney Weaver

- The secret of business is to know something that nobody else knows. – Aristotle Onassis

- Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. – George Bernard Shaw

- Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up cause they are looking for ideas. – Paula Poundstone

- Children have never been very good at listening to their elder, but they have never failed to imitate them. – James Baldwin

- Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

- Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them. – Bruce Lee

- As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent bring happy death. – Leonardo da Vinci

- Life is not divided into semesters. you don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. – Bill Gates

- Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death. – Alber Einstein

- The only rock i know that stays stead, the only institution I know that works is the family – Lee Iacocca

- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

- Love is friendship, set on fire. – Jeremey Taylor

- Its not lack of love, but lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Money won’t create success. The freedom to make it will. – Nelson Mandela

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but its reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale. – Zig Ziglar

- THe only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it. – Edith Wharton

- All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. – steve Martin

- Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. -Billy Wilder

- Life is one grand, sweet song so start the music. – Ronald Reagan

- I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to. – Elvis Presley

- Music is a safe kind of high. – Jimi Hendrix.

- Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. – Henry Ford

- We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time. – Vince Lombardi

- The breakfast of champions is not cereal, its the opposition.

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

Keep yourself updated with more funny quotes and sayings ……

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

* What a beautiful morning … the sun is shining, the birds are singing. Now where is that fast-forward button to 5 pm?

* It is something like shooting birds in the dark in a country where there are only a few birds, I see no God up here

* Intelligence is creative mind not extensive memory..

* Yells a man, it is dynamic. Shouts a woman, it’s hysterical. – Hildegard Knef

* Some relations are like TOM & JERRY. They tease eacho ther but can’t live without each other.

* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

* Nagging is a more of a universal trait or rather a tool of women to hone their men to their taste.

* A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts

* when you are down and out, drag somebody else, along with you

* Forgive Your enemies but never forget their names

* The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

* Love is a serious mental illness. – Plato

*That’s life: sometimes you lose, sometimes the others win. 

* He who says A must, not a pound. He can also recognize that A was wrong.  - Bertolt Brecht

* Who does not have bad habits, probably has no personality. – William Faulkner

* Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* Flying is learnin ghow to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

* What you call do with no legs ? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

* Everyone needs to belive in something. I believe I will have another beer.

* A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

* Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares ? He is a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.

* I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life, they have shown me exactly who I do not want to be.

* Ideal for weddings are pierced men. You have experience with pain and are familiar with it, to buy jewelry. – Gabi Köster

* “If wrinkles must be written upon our brow, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should not grow old.”

* “If you think you know what the hell is going on, you’re probably full of ~love~.”

* If a man expects his Woman to be an angel in this life, Then he should first create Heaven for her.

* It takes two years to learn to speak, fifty to learn to be silent. – Ernest Hemingway

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A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

* Try not to become a man of success but a man of value

* The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

* A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.

* Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are.

* Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn’t matter which color does the hating. It’s just plain wrong.

* He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.

* Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don’t let yourself believe it will happen to you.

* Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.

* Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.

* It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

* What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us..

* The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer. This may be the single most important key to the political behavior of Western Civilization.

* Intelligence is the capacity to receive, decode and transmit information efficiently. Stupidity is blockage of this process at any point. Bigotry, ideologies etc. block the ability to receive; robotic reality-tunnels block the ability to decode or integrate new signals; censorship blocks transmission.

* I think I got off on the wrong planet. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no rational life here.

* You must be the change you wish to see in the world

* You can do anything, but not everything. —David Allen

* We are all here for some special reason. Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future.

I hope you’ve enjoyed best of funny life quotes to live by … Please keep coming back for more updates on best funny quotes to live by .. I will be updating this post time to time…

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

A post from: funny quotes and sayings

1. You cannot make Omlets without breaking the eggs.
2. Come to my parlour said the spider to the fly
3. A dog kennel is no place to hide a sausage
4. You can never unscramble eggs.
5. Fattest pigs go to the butcher first.
6. All that comes from a cow is not milk.
7. This shot was as sweet as tooti frooti!
8. Great feathers make great birds!
9. My idea of a bird is 36-24-36.
10. As innocent as freshly laid eggs.
11. A good lather is half the shave
12. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
13. A girl born beautiful is half married
14. There is always free cheese in a mousetrap
15. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
16. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
17. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
18. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
19. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
20. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
21. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
22. It is very difficult to kill a man who is hell bent on committing suicide!
23. When you are dining with the demons, you’ve got to have a long spoon!
24. All that comes from a cow is not milk!
25. Just because a rose smells sweet, you do not use it in the soup!
26. Humility is like an underwear. You have to wear it but should not show it
27. If “ifs and buts” were “pots and pans”, there would be no tinkers
28. Gamblers they Are like Toilets BROKE one Day Flush The Next

A post from: funny quotes and sayings